purrtagonist | [Day 12, afternoon: Ichigo]

[He's definitely picking up what Akira's throwing down, and his expression darkens.]

...You think he's going to be a victim.

[As much as he hates to say it...it's the most logical thing.]

[a solemn nod, and he echoes some of the words Dazai spoke to him earlier]

He says there are people here who think that those who want to die should be the ones who do.

And he doesn't think they're wrong about that.

[He wishes he wasn't right.]

God - damnit, Dazai...

[He hisses that out, looking down before lifting a hand and running it through his hair.]

...Can we stop him, somehow?

[But even as soon as he says it, he knows there's nothing they can really do - only hope and pray Dazai doesn't go through with what he's thinking.]

Edited 2018-01-07 23:03 (UTC)

[GESTURES. . . AT THEM BOTH. yeah. he feels it]

What can we do? We're both bedridden, and even if we weren't, he'd probably purposefully avoid us tonight.

I tried telling him to pair up with Ulaz and hang out with us in the infirmary, but he said I should just ask Akechi or Rin instead.

Yeah - Dammit, I know...

[He doesn't want this - he doesn't want to think about how tomorrow, the day he'd planned to finally get out of bed, even in just a wheelchair...that he might wake up to Dazai's death.

It was always a possibility, but...]

...I haven't seen him once since I woke up. And it's not like I can move, like this...

[his hands grip the bedsheets, knuckles turning white.]

...I don't - I don't want anyone to die tonight. Goddamnit...

[Akira doesn't, either. but what he doesn't say is. . . well. he's pretty sure they just had their last no-death killing night. he's pretty sure those "sticks" were more powerful than their "carrot" counterparts. he's pretty sure there will be two bodies before morning]

[he doesn't really have any words of comfort right now. Ichigo's expressing how he feels for him pretty well already, and so he just. . . tilts his head back, eyes slipping shut, and exhales a deep breath, before dropping one of his hands on Ichigo's. . . and giving it a tiny, little squeeze]

[It doesn't go unnoticed - and Ichigo briefly looks up at Akira, leaning forward to touch their foreheads together for a second before pulling away and running a hand through his hair again.

There's a moment of silence before he speaks, staring out in front of him, looking at nothing as he runs through his memories.]

I...I might've helped push him to this.

[His voice seems...so small, as he talks.]

...We had a fight. Before you and I went into that room - I got mad at him for acting...well, the way that he does.

[Like he wants to die.]

He brought up the crimes he did in his past, and I told him to make up for it, to save others...and it's like all the life just left his body. He showed me his profile, and...I think I said the same thing a dead friend of his did, including calling him my friend.

[He gives a mirthless laugh, and a wry smile works its way onto his face, tinged with that oh-so-familiar self blame and guilt.]

...And then I go and nearly die on him.

I really am a goddamn idiot.

[. . . honestly. . .]

[Akira mulls this over for a good few, quiet moments]

We were both really stupid.

[no doubt about that. and he also has that small, niggling feeling that their getting injured is part of what propelled Dazai into this sort of self-destructive behavior]

But you can't blame yourself for the choices he makes, Ichigo.

[Exhaling sharply, Ichigo just presses the back of his hand to his one good eye, nodding slowly.

He knows he can't blame himself for what other people do - it'd only hurt him more - but it's still so, so damn hard to think about, especially when lives will potentially be lost that very night.]

...I know. I know he's an adult who can make his own decisions, but I...

[He swallows, adam's apple visibly bobbing.]

...I don't want to lose any more people I care about. Not again.

["adult." Akira can't help the way he scowls at that word, but he's had way too many adults try to tell him what's best for him lately]

Him being an "adult" doesn't mean he's exempt from making stupid decisions.

[scrubs at his forehead with one hand]

No one wants to lose people they care about. I tried to make him see that, but I just don't-- I don't think he's capable of understanding, Ichigo.

[He couldn't think of a better word, honestly - but Ichigo isn't as hot on adults either. He's had to take on the responsibility of entire worlds before due to them not being able to help much.

He just nods, looking grim...and also sad.]

...Yeah. I noticed.

[How did Dazai become like this? How did he get so fundamentally broken?

He's had questions like that before, about the people he fought - but actually knowing and liking Dazai makes it worse than ever before.]

And there's nothing we can do.

[...]

...Doesn't help that Will alerted everyone about it.

[That's said bitterly, because - what the FUCK, will. Paint a target on Dazai's back, why don't you.]

[well. . . Akira has some ideas on how Dazai became this way, but none on how to like, actually break through to him and let him know that he's cared about]

[he lets out a derisive tch when Ichigo mentioned Will, too]

Ah, right. It was awfully courteous of him, wasn't it?

More like I'm pretty sure he has a grudge against Dazai.

[He's definitely not happy, at least - and he huffs.]

Then again, Will's always been hard to get along with.

[He's dropped the 'san' due to the stunt he just pulled, because wow, that shit isn't cool.]

He's--

[frowns. deeply, with some frustration]

He's. . . something. I can't get a good read on him beyond, "he's kind of sketchy."

[which isn't at all a deterrent for Akira, as Ichigo may know, but]

And, "sometimes he's unhelpfully blunt."

He definitely is blunt - I can never finish a conversation with him because he either runs away or I don't know what to say to him.

[And that's a pretty big deterrent for Ichigo, who tends to go with the flow and tries not to bother people if he doesn't feel it's for their own good.]

...And I don't think he likes me that much, anyway.

Don't take it personally. He doesn't like anyone.

[waves a hand]

. . . I don't know. I relate to him, a little bit, on some. . . stuff. But--

[WILL GRAHAM!!]

Either way. . . if I'm wrong about him having something planned, I hope he takes care of himself tonight. Or someone manages to convince him to let them watch over him.

[Will is an enigma wrapped in mystery wrapped in a lot of layers of manpain and antisocial tenancies. And honestly, he'll probably stay that way to Ichigo until he either leaves this hellhole, or is killed.

But he takes the topic change gracefully, mind sliding back to Dazai.]

Yeah. Maybe Rin can -

[...Rin.

As soon as he says it, Ichigo's mind slides back to the conversation they had earlier, and he pauses - a hand going up to cover his mouth, eye narrowing in worry.

He'd been so afraid - and if the motive they'd given him was to threaten to make him lose control over his demon side...

He's worried. Mostly because there's the possibility it could happen, and he wouldn't be able to get to him in time if anything did happen.]

...

[. . . well, that's concerning]

What is it?

[He's quiet for a moment.]

...Rin...he talked to me, earlier today. About the motive they made for him.

You know he's half-demon, right?

[slowly, Akira nods, expression darkening]

I do. I know Satan killed his dad, too.

[thus why Satan is on his list of dislikes]

[He hesitates - because this feels like a massive breach of trust, of the trust that Rin put in him...But at the same time, Akira would understand.

So, finally - ]

...His adoptive father. Satan...Satan is his biological father. He's Satan's son.

And because of that...he'd been learning to try and control his demon powers.

[There's a lot of sympathy in Ichigo's voice - because he'd gone through the same thing with his hollow, before he'd learned the truth about himself.]

...They threatened him with going out of control. And he...

[...]

He asked me to stop him, if that ever happens.

[. . . jesus]

[his expression doesn't flicker]

What did you say?

[The answer should be obvious, given who Ichigo is.]

I promised him I would.

[That same determination from before is back - but it's one that's tempered with empathy and understanding, unconsciously slipping into a stiffer pose.

The pose of a shinigami, holding the weight of the world on his shoulders.]

He - He was so afraid, Akira. And I know what that feels like.

Even if I'd end up getting executed for it, I won't let him kill anyone.

['Or even if I means I'd die instead.']

. . .

[mmmm. Akira ducks his head a bit, mouth curving into an understanding smile]

If I were you, my answer would probably be the same.

[enjoy the feeling of Akira's knuckles brushing up against your cheek, Ichigo]

People sure do ask you to be their Shinigami a lot.

[first Niles. now Rin. he isn't being judgmental, just. . . yeah. he noticed]

[Oh, he does. But he just...sighs, shrugging.]

That was actually the reason Rin asked me. He said that a shinigami's the closest thing here to an exorcist.

[He leans in a little, half-closing his eye.]

...Maybe it's just that I've got an aura of death around me, or something. The Raccoons took all our powers away, but...I'd normally be putting out a lot of spiritual pressure, and maybe people can unconsciously feel it.

[He...doesn't exactly look happy about being asked to be people's angel of death, though.]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject