purrtagonist | [Week 4, Sunday: Undine]

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[Week 4, Sunday: Undine]

[. . . Undine is one of the few that can find him before he decides to show himself again, tucked away in an dark alley away from public and prying eyes, back resting against a wall]

[he's cleaned himself up. his hand is no longer bloody, even though red still stains the tips of his sleeve. he's holding a bottle of chocolate milk-- one of the ones she smuggled for him, full of coffee instead of the milk-- in one hand. the other holds his face, palm pressed against his forehead, fingers curled into his bangs]

[he's sucking in deep breaths, keeping them calm and even, but it kiiind of looks like he's struggling a bit. hm. hmmm]

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[She's not even going to say anything as she approaches him. Wordlessly, if he allows it, she will take his red hand and use her psych to clean it more thoroughly.]

[he jumps when he feels her fingers brush against his hand. the stains in his sleeve are hard to clean, especially now that they're dry. but her attempts are much better than his own]

[. . .]

[he doesn't pull away, his hand instead staying limp in her own as she works. he sucks in a sharp breath and lets it out slowly, eyes slipping shut. focus. calm yourself, Kurusu. focus]

[She'll work at it quietly for a moment before speaking up:]

Keep walking forward.

[She won't apologize this time. Just advice, no apologies.]

[. . . he needs to hear that]

[not necessarily because he forgot about it. he hadn't; doing anything but walking forward was not an option in these circumstances]

[but he needed to hear it. from someone other than himself. to just. . . know, that there were others still counting on him]

I will.

[another breath]

I always will. No matter what.

Good.

[His hand is as clean as she's going to be able to get it, so she'll let go of it.]

They need a leader, you know. We need a leader.

[Because she's no leader, and she's pretty sure Ichigo, Alex, and Mary aren't that great at leading either. Akira's the strategist. Akira is the one they need.]

[wow]

[for the first time since her arrival? he looks up, opens his eyes, and meets her gaze. he's a leader back home, isn't he? he had always had the qualities of one-- an air of authority, the ability to read and understand how people work together, a lack of fear of making quick judgments in emergency situations, and the kind of personality that drew people towards him for reasons unknown. but here?]

[here, he never thought of himself as a leader. how could he lead a band of Reapers meant to kill, when killing was against everything for which he stood]

. . .

I don't-- I don't think I'm the one you're looking for there, Undine.

[he says that quietly]

I've been a coward up until now.

You're trying to get the two groups of reapers to work together. You're trying to keep deaths to a minimum, to rein in the two groups and keep the innocent players safe. You saved my life- there's no way I would have survived the fight with Chuuya without your help, and you took me to Ichigo afterwards to be healed. You're more concerned more with protecting people and doing what's right than with winning the game for your own sake.

If none of that says 'leader material', then I don't know what does.

[and he shoots back, almost immediately]

I denied the job I was given from the very beginning of this Game. I made you and the others-- Terra, Ranpo, even Enoshima-- do all of the dirty work while I just stood back and watched.

Caren saw right through that.

[god, had she. he isn't convinced she called him out just because she thought he murdered Chuuya]

She. . . she saw my cowardice. And she forced my hand, knowing that it'd hurt, to get back at me for what happened to her partner.

She saw that you were struggling with a very tough decision. One that nobody should have to make, ever, but that you're being forced to make now.

The real question is, are you going to prove her right? Or are you going to step up and break this game?

I'm. . .

[. . .]

[he's going to break the Game, of course. that had been his goal from the very beginning. he wouldn't step away from it now. not after having sacrificed so many people. not after everything they have been through]

[he lifts his glasses, so they're resting on top of his head, and scrubs at his eyes]

. . . I'm going to break the Game, Undine. No-- not "I."

We. You, me, and everyone else. . . here.

Good. Because we do need you. You're good at uniting people and getting them to work together, which is what we need the most right now. Someone who can get the Players and the Reapers to work together and get as many people to the end as possible.

I'm a Reaper, Undine. My ability to unite people is limited.

[that's what Setz is for. the neutral Player]

[. . . with his sleeve cleaned up about as much as it's going to get, he leans forward, arms curling around her shoulders, to pull her into a hug]

Thank you. For everything. For standing with me this entire time.

[...aww Akira.

Undine will go ahead and hug him back, then.]

That seems to be my special skill, you know. Standing with people and giving them the nudge they need to act.

It's a great skill to have. It makes you pretty invaluable as a partner.

[because they're still partners. just as they have been, since their first day as Reapers in this Game]

[Of course they are. They were the ones to bond over not wanting to be like the more deranged reapers on their team. They've survived two weeks now with just each other. They're going to see this to the end and save as many Players as they can. Ride or die partners right here.]

So, we'll use our powers for good then? Because I think ours combine pretty effectively.

"Good" is pretty subjective, Undine.

[but he does like the sound of it, at least. even if he has a hard time calling anything they're doing "good."]

[but she's right. ride or die partners they are. they've come this far. they'll make it out together, if it's the last thing they do]

But we'll use them to do what good we can do. For the Players' sake.

"Good" is subjective, yes, but intention does matter. I would like to think that we're trying to do good here.

[Even if they're literally killing people for that 'good'.]

. . . yeah.

[a pause]

But I don't want to lie to myself, either. Killing people isn't exactly "good."

You know, when I killed monsters back home, they called it 'good'. They called me a hero for it. And I know, 'monsters' and 'people' are two separate categories, but it doesn't change the fact that for two years I killed and killed and killed every single night.

Then I became a reaper, and while I generally played a support role, there were times where I had to step in and erase Players. Because they were killing people left and right, and they had to be taken out before they killed literally everyone else in their game.

And then I came here. And I erased a man who tried to erase us first. And I'll probably have to erase another Player at some point for much less justifiable reasons than 'they tried to erase me first'.

At what point in all of that did I go from 'hero' to 'the bad guy'?

[The line isn't easy to draw, is what she's getting at there.]

[. . . . .]

Morality isn't that black and white.

[that's what she was going for. and he knows that better than most, doesn't he? the thief who steals the hearts of his enemies, forcibly changing their cognition so they confess to their crimes]

[morality is never black and white]

Exactly.

So we worry about surviving first, and then we can work on atoning for the things we've done here.

[But survival comes first. They can't atone if they are erased.]

[atoning]

[he wonders if he even can atone. he doesn't expect forgiveness-- won't even ask for it, when he faces the victims of his wrongs again. but are sins this deep really something that can be atoned for?]

[he doesn't ask that aloud]

Survival is and always has been our utmost priority. [until the Players know how to end this Game the right way] And as long as I'm still breathing, I'll keep fighting for just that.

As long as you understand that, then everything will be alright.

[They can make up for their shortcomings later. Right now, they need to live long enough to get out of this.]

. . .

I wouldn't have gotten this far if it weren't for you.

[that's. a raw, honest truth]

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[Week 4, Sunday: Undine]

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