[Week 4, Sunday: Ichigo]

[purrtagonist]

[it's with Ichigo that Akira leaves the church, his clean hand balled into a fist against his partner's sleeve. he's silent the entire time they walk, gaze unfocused and distant, expression set into a hard line. he goes wherever he is lead, without arguments, every movement stiff like he's working on autopilot]

[. . .]

[but he's fine, though. I swear]

Comments

[bladeisme]

[Honestly?

The moment Caren called Akira's name, he knew it would end badly. Akira had never killed before, and - the knowledge that you've truly Erased someone from existence is a hard one to bear.

Even if this was working more like how his world operated, with souls layered in different worlds awaiting whatever was going to happen at the end of the game, instead of true Erasure.

(But then again, his world and Games were so very different from most other Reapers, apparently)

He doesn't say anything until they get somewhere a little more private, more comforting - the bookstore, naturally. Once they're safe on the couch - making sure Akira sits down next to him = he looks at his partner with nothing but a deep, tired understanding.]

....Akira.

[He reaches out and touches Akira's hands - the same ones that ended Caren's life - gently, taking them into his own.

And he says the only thing he thinks would be comforting in this moment, something that would have been nice to know back when he was first starting out as a reaper himself.

It's probably not even close to what Akira wants to hear.]

...It....gets easier.

I promise.

[purrtagonist]

[Akira's fingers are stilled stained a deep red, since. . . well. he hasn't had time to wash them yet. he actually jolts when Ichigo's own brush against them, his gaze flickering up, eyes widening in. . . fear? no, not fear. trepidation]

[. . .]

[he doesn't move his hand to hold Ichigo's hands in return. and his partner is right in that is one of the last things Akira can stand to hear right now]

No.

I don't want it to.

[get easier. because if it gets easier, then he stops being the person he wants to be]

[bladeisme]

[He doesn't say anything at that, just...staying quiet.

What can he say to that? What can he say to watching Akira go through the same thing he did, at the very beginning of his Games?

He'd been scared, guilty, afraid...

But at the very least, Akira isn't alone, and he has someone with him who knows well the weight of taking a life on his soul.

He doesn't move his hands away, just gently rubbing his thumb over Akira's knuckles.]

...I know.

Because you feel like you'll lose yourself. If it becomes second nature, then...the person you were ceases to exist.

[He speaks from experience, a horrible note of bitter truth staining his voice as he talks.

After all, he'd often thought to himself that Ichigo Kurosaki - the one who had lived so vibrantly wanting to protect people - had died so very long ago, and he was just a hollow shell walking around with his face and name.

He doesn't want that for Akira, and yet...

It might still happen.]

[purrtagonist]

[. . . dimly, in the back of his mind, Akira can understand the subtext of Ichigo's words. the way he speaks about losing oneself underneath the blood caked on one's hands is too personal for him to think his partner is speaking in hypotheticals. it's painful, because he knows-- after six weeks, he knows-- Ichigo deserves better]

[he swallows thickly. something hitches in his throat, and he doesn't know why-- is it for Ichigo? for Caren? for all of the people his team has targeted these past almost six weeks?]

[or is it. . . for himself? himself, and the part of him that had died alongside Caren? the part that believed he was strong enough to buck against the role this Game had given him?]

[his grip suddenly tightens on Ichigo's hand, although it's still slick with rapidly drying blood. before he can stop himself, he pitches forward, and buries his nose tightly against Ichigo's shoulder]

[give him a moment]

[bladeisme]

[The minute Akira's head hits his shoulder, Ichigo just wraps his arms around his partner, bringing him in close, letting him know -

That he's here. That he's not alone, that Ichigo won't let him suffer and writhe in guilt and pain with no one to comfort him.]

...It's okay. It's okay...

[He's happy - not for this situation, not that Akira had to kill someone - but that he can give Akira what he never had, the first time he took someone's life as a Reaper, knowing it was destroying who they were, all their hopes and fears.

He's so happy that Akira doesn't have to curl up on himself alone, staring at the blood on his hands and weeping until he falls asleep, full of nothing but self-hatred, guilt, and remorse.

Don't become like me.]

[purrtagonist]

[it's not okay, he thinks to himself. it isn't it isn't it isn't. dimly, he's aware that he wasn't given much of a choice. dimly, he's aware that Caren had chosen him as one huge call out in front of the crowd. a way to put a target onto his back, and to force him out of the shadows to get him to stop being such a coward]

[but that doesn't mean what he did was right. he should have fought it. he should have broken free of his Reaper chains by now. and yet, here he is. complicit as an accomplice in at least three murders, and then the actual culprit in another, committed in front of an entire crowd]

[what a mess]

[what a fucking mess]

[he doesn't know when the dam breaks. but it does, and he finds himself gasping for air against Ichigo's shoulder. he knew this day would come, didn't he? despite his proclamations early on in the game-- I won't Erase anyone, no matter what-- he knew that one day he'd be forced into this corner. and yet. . .]

[. . . he's terrified of the fact that being forced into that corner was enough to shatter his resolve]

[bladeisme]

[Ichigo can't guess to know what Akira's thinking, what he's feeling - he knows from his own experiences, but Akira is not Ichigo, and he's not in the process of breaking like Akira is. No, he's broken a long, long time ago, and now all his shattered self can do is comfort someone going through the same thing.

Pressing his lips to the crown of Akira's head, he just - waits. Waits for Akira to ride this out, all the fear, pain, grief...Everything.

They're partners, supporting each other - and Akira has been there for him, every step of the way. And now? It was his turn to be there, to let him cry and feel safe in this horrible game they're both trapped in, whispering words of comfort into his hair.

I'm here. I'll be alright. I won't let you go.



I love you.]

[purrtagonist]

[he doesn't cry very loudly. it's. . . barely crying at all, honestly. but Ichigo's shirt does get a little damp, and Akira lets go of Ichigo's hands only so he can wrap his arms around him tightly instead, like he's trying to hold onto the very last lifeline he has left]

[. . .]

[and eventually. . . he quiets down. truthfully, it doesn't take long, but Akira hates crying. he hates the way it makes him feel, hates the vulnerability that comes with it, even if Ichigo is warm and supportive despite these feelings. and when he speaks, it's with a voice muffled against his partner's shoulder]

. . . they really picked the wrong guy for this job.

[bladeisme]

[He doesn't mind that Akira doesn't cry like he does - he knows that Akira's Emotions are deep, as deep as his own - they just express them in different ways.

And he definitely doesn't mind being held, despite the anguish Akira's going through. Once Akira's calmed down - and his own hands roam across his partner's back and in his hair - he just gives a small, sad chuckle at the comment.]

...Yeah. Our positions should have been switched, you know?

[Then again, it would have been a very different game, if he'd been a reaper assigned to hunt down Players from the start.]

[purrtagonist]

[well, if anything pulls him out of his own angst, it's that]

No.

[his response is immediate and heated, and he pulls back, hands on Ichigo's shoulders]

It isn't like you need more Composers telling you that you have to Erase Players, or else.

[Ichigo's had enough of that in his lifetime, hasn't he? if anything. . . Akira's extremely glad that he has the freedom to not kill if he doesn't want to]