purrtagonist | [Week 5, Friday: Setz]

[After the announcement, Setz went to see Ichigo and Makoto's corpses for himself, and—well.

If there was any doubt who their murderer was, their state erased it. (And it hurts, for so many reasons. For those two, who didn't deserve it; for the friendship that Setz finally has to break, because he cannot tolerate this; for Akira.)

Quietly, Setz walks over to thim.]

... Akira.

[there wasn't a shred of doubt in Akira's mind when he saw the state of those corpses, either. who else, but the person here who hated him the most, would send a message as bloody and violent as that one?]

[he tilts his head to regard Setz when he speaks, the glare vanishes from his lenses. despite his seemingly calm demeanor, there's. . . something stirring, something thundering violently in the backs of his eyes]

. . . Setz.

[...]

I'm sorry.

[For all that's happened. And, again, an apology, because he wonders if Akira can really look at him and still feel, somewhere, that this isn't Setz's fault (that Shinssin survived this week, and survived to kill his friends).]

I won't ask how you're doing. But... the rest of us are still here for you. Remember that.

[Not to replace Makoto or Ichigo (because who could?), but to support him when he needs it. He isn't alone.]

[honestly, Akira isn't even going that far with it. no part of the blame lies on Setz. this is Shin. this is all Shin, and he knows it]

[the question falls out of his mouth before he can stop himself]

Why?

[why? why do they care, considering who he is, the things he has done? Shin killed Ichigo and Makoto. but Akira killed Velvet, and was tacitly complicit in at least four other deaths]

[so then, why. . .?]

... I won't say you're guiltless. [Setz isn't the sort to sugarcoat that sort of thing.] Even if you were forced, it wasn't as if you were completely without agency.

With that said... you are far from the worst person I've met. I imagine a large number of us here carry our own crimes from back home; I'm not without my own.

[If Akira doesn't deserve any sort of camaraderie, then neither does Setz.]

... If anything, in spite of all you've done, you're one of the best I know. Don't treat the kindness you've given others lightly, Akira.

. . .

[he doesn't know what shatters, but something does]

[his hand slips under his glasses again, heel of his palm pressed tightly against one eye]

Fuck.

[the curse falls from his mouth before he can stop it, and he kind of. slumps against the door frame]

I fucking-- I protected myself this week, with that stupid card. And because of that, he targeted my partner, and my team, my family, my fucking hea--

[heart]

[and suddenly, the symbolism of why Ichigo and Makoto are missing theirs clicks into place]

[. . . he slides down the door frame, knees drawn up to his chest, and presses his forehead against them tightly]

[Crouching, he reaches out, lightly, to touch Akira's arm.]

If you don't consider me responsible for his actions, then you're no more responsible for what he chose to do.

[he doesn't flinch away from that touch, but he doesn't lift his head, either. he knows Setz is right. but it just. . . it feels. . . being unable to protect the people closest to his heart feels shitty. especially when he perceives that his life came at the expense of theirs.]

Fuck--

[he curses again, hands balled into fists so tight his fingers dig into his palm]

His grudge was with me, and I even-- I offered him the chance to take me out at the end, if he really wanted to!

[ah, right. the deal with Ass of which he never spoke]

All I asked was for him to keep me and the other Reapers alive until we hit the time limit, but this is. . .

[too much. an obvious breach of their "deal."]

[...]

He hasn't been thinking reasonably for a long time now. He's just—good at pretending, sometimes, that he is. [It's so easy to forget what kind of person he is underneath.] I don't know if he ever intended to honour that deal.

I'm sorry.

[another hiss, and Akira draws one fist up and slams it against the door frame as hard as he can. hard enough to bruise. hard enough to hurt]

It isn't fair to Makoto, isn't fair to Ichigo, it isn't fucking fair. They didn't do anything wrong. They didn't deserve this, and he dragged them into his stupid grudge that I was completely willing to let him have, so long as we somehow manage to save the Erased, and I--

[god. his words freeze over, like ice]

I want to tear him apart, Setz. Piece by piece.

[not physically. that isn't how Akira works. but somehow, someway. . .]

... I don't blame you.

[Certainly, for all that Setz has been vocally against killing—he's not above those kinds of thoughts. He's felt them in the past, and he's felt them here. He's simply learned well how to restrain himself.

He can't quite bring himself to wish death upon Shinssin, but he cannot fault Akira for doing so.]

As long as you don't act on that desire. [Even now, revenge will solve nothing.] ... We'll save them, Akira.

[he won't. because, again. . . he isn't like that. his anger burns brightly, courses through his veins like liquid fire, but he knows. he knows that this Game is about so much more than grudges, than revenge, then pretending the trials are there to dispense justice]

[he lifts his head, but rests his chin on his knees, gaze flickering up to meet Setz's. for all of his grief, that spark of resolve and determination that Setz has come to know? it's still there]

We will.

[firm. unwavering. without doubt]

We absolutely will.

[In a way, it's a relief to see. He's seen people lose themselves to grief, change so much until they're virtually unrecognizable. To know that, in spite of what happened, Akira is still Akira at heart—he's glad.]

... I don't know how tomorrow will go. Be ready for anything.

[...]

But... the pieces are finally starting to come together. We'll make sure that everyone [Shinssin aside] works together from now on.

[that's a constant, at least. he will always be Akira, no matter what]

I'll be ready.

[he uncurls from his ball of grief, stretching both legs out before him, as he rests his back against the frame. he's composed himself, at least]

Whatever happens tomorrow, Setz-- I'll support it. [he means that] Tomorrow's trial won't be about justice.

[not that trials were ever about that in the first place]

It's going to be about whatever choices you and the other Players make.

[He nods, slowly.]

I've written down what I plan on talking about. [He shows Akira his notes.] It'll be a derailment from the actual erasures, but ideally, starting from next week, it'll help give everyone more direction.

... The example Anthy gave about flowers, in particular, is something to keep in mind.

[Akira quietly reads those notes, before he makes a kind of. distressed? noise??? in the back of his throat]

Setz. . .

. . . I don't understand anything.

[he's been working his butt off trying to decode and interpret vague answers from Max and Maya and Anthy alike. he isn't going to stop trying, that's for sure. but right now]

[his head is so full of cotton and fire that he just can't bring himself to try to figure out what any of this means]

... Don't worry about it. That's why we're going to discuss it as a group.

For now, just remember—stay strong.

[. . .]

Listen, Setz-- [mrrrrgh. he rubs the back of his neck, before his fingers dip into his pocket to pull out a letter]

[he hands it to Setz for his reading entertainment]

[...

He reads it, his expression indecipherable and unchanging as he does. When he finishes, he looks at Akira to see if he has anything to say on it.]

[he folds the paper back up when Setz is finished, carefully focused]

I don't know if what Ichigo says is correct, necessarily. I don't know. I can't know.

[. . .]

But I'll reiterate what I said to you the other day. If you find you should vote for me, don't feel guilty about it.

[he'll accept that fate, too]

[He doesn't want to think about voting for Akira, even knowing it might be inevitable.]

... I don't know either yet. But, regarding what Anthy said—what matters in this Game, apparently...

[He pauses, remembering her exact words.]

"I think that if you’re only concerned about something’s worth by their ending, you’ll miss how beautiful they are when they grow."

[his mouth twitches, a slow, curved smile. it isn't very brilliant, and it's edged with exhaustion and pain and a feeling of being done. but it's there]

Then maybe it's less about the answer, and more about how the Players get there. Hm?

I think so. Though, in the particular context of that remark, combined with the original mission we were tested on for that week... I believe the idea is that the value of a life is not what it nets you at the end, but what it gave while it lasted, however short.

All living beings die, eventually. What matters is how we lived.

And what has always mattered most in the Reaper's Game isn't necessarily the victory, but the journey to the end.

[. . . maybe what Anthy was saying makes sense after all. . .]

[Week 5, Friday: Setz]

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