purrtagonist | [Week 0, Monday: Ichigo]

[Being swamped was - well, he expected it from the moment he saw those profiles. there was no way people weren't going to ask him about the major things on it, and, well...

He wasn't really alright, but he was just dealing with the hand he'd been dealt, just like the rest of them.

He takes a bite of his chicken nuggets before speaking, letting himself think about how to phrase everything he's currently feeling right now.]

...Alright enough, I guess.

[Nailed it.]

What about you?

[. . . the return question has Akira frowning, leaning forward with his elbow on the table and his chin propped in his hand. he toys with a fry between his fingers, staring at it but not yet putting it into his mouth]

I don't know.

[a weirdly, strangely, uncharacteristically honest answer]

I feel like I still have yet to process half of what is even happening.

[because everything has flown by him so fast. his death, his waking up in Shibuya, the sudden announcement of the rules of this "game," which involve something akin to murder. perhaps not quite murder, considering they were all dead, but. . . the erasure of someone's chance at living again]

[that was close, right?]

[Ichigo nods, looking down at the small meal he's ordered, scowling down at it before running a hand through his hair.]

I think...everyone feels like that right now, you know? Overwhelmed, I mean.

[He pushes around a nugget with a finger, propping up his own chin in his other hand, mirroring Akira's own posture.]

We did just get told that we're playing a game to gain a chance at living again, and that there are going to be 'reapers' who're going to be picking us off.

[He sighs.]

...That, and we still don't have anywhere decent to sleep.

[GIVE THEM BEDS, YOU COWARDS. But despite everything, he seems...a little less miserable than he did over the weekend. Having a goal to fight towards seems to have done wonders for him, it seems.]

. . . and that survival is tantamount to winning. And that the only way to ensure our survival is to pick off these "reapers" before they get to us.

[he adds onto Ichigo's description, and the hand propping his chin up curls into a fist, knuckles white. his next words are hissed behind clenched teeth]

It's all bullshit.

[TELL IT LIKE IT IS, AKIRA]

Including the part about not having beds.

[He doesn't immediately react to Akira's words, but his silence should be answer enough - still chasing around that chicken nugget on his tray, not looking at him.]

...It is.

[He doesn't answer with the same passion, the same controlled anger - it's just melancholy and the grim sense of having things thrust upon him being normal that's clearly communicated.]

But we can't really do anything about it. About the Reapers, about what we're going to have to do...Or that we're all dead, and just playing for a second chance that maybe some of us don't even want.

[He stops moving his finger when he says that, still not looking up at Akira.]

...I can't go back. Not...not if it undoes what I died for.

[he's all set to argue about the fact that there's nothing they can do, honestly. all set to say that even if they don't have their answers yet, there has to be a way out of this. a way to get their second chances without having to follow this game's shitty rules. or. . . if that's not possible, then a way to find the Reapers and end the game as quickly as they can]

[but then Ichigo says that, and his gaze snaps up from the chicken nugget on the table to catch brown eyes with gray]

Kurosaki?

[??? he isn't directly asking for the story, because their Confidant link is still too new for that, but. . . the implication is there, with the soft, slightly surprised way he says Ichigo's name]

...My body is the only thing keeping the world of the living and the dead separate, Kurusu.

[He picks up the chased around nugget, giving it a half-hearted bit before setting it down, his brown eyes so very, very sad - and startlingly empty, too.]

You've seen my profile by now, right? I was a shinigami, and I failed against someone that I couldn't lose to, because the stakes were too high.

[As he talks, notes of pain, grief, and guilt filter through his voice, even as his expression stays the same.]

That person killed the Soul King - the being holding the worlds in balance - and his armies killed the people close to me. I remember that much, even if I can't remember their faces or names.

...He even killed one in front of me, took my powers, and left me alive to 'feel despair.'

[He takes in a breath, looking far away even as he stares at Akira - looking in his memories and everything that led up to him coming here - the hand lying on the table beginning to slightly shake.]

...Ichibei - a monk, part of the squad that protected the soul king - came up to me then, asking me if I was willing to save the worlds. If I didn't want to let Yhwach have his way.

I said yes. I said that I'd do anything, and I...

[...]

'To become the Soul King, you must take on his Name. Names have power in them, Ichigo. The moment you lay on this altar, 'Ichigo Kurosaki' will cease to exist, and only the Soul King will remain.'

I'd seen the Soul King, before he was destroyed. He was in a crystal, with no arms or legs, practically motionless. I didn't stop to think why he was like that, or what it meant.

...I only realized what I'd agreed to right before Ichibei cut off my right arm.

[holy shit]

[Akira's managed to keep his calm so far, but that story? that story gets his eyes to widen in slow-dawning horror. his own death-- the fear and despair he felt upon having that gun pointed at his forehead, cold steal against skin-- seems so. . . so trivial, comparatively]

[he feels like there's more to the story, though. so he stays quiet, staring at Ichigo with an expression that is completely without words]

[And...there IS more. It's like he can't keep silent, now - even though he knows these are gorey details best left unsaid.]

I've had bones broken, holes blown through me - but I was expecting them, and I was in a fight, so adrenaline kept me from feeling too much pain. But this...

[He pauses, his free hand reaching over to clench at his shoulder, knuckles going white from the force of his grip.]

...It hurt like nothing I'd ever felt before. And Ichibei kept chanting, even though I was bleeding like hell on the altar and onto the floor, taking my arm and putting it to the side on another smaller altar.

[His breath is getting distinctly more ragged, now.]

And then he came back, and cut off my right leg - and I realized the pain I felt earlier was nothing.

Kyoraku-san showed up then, too. He looked...sad, but not surprised - like he knew this was going to happen. He talked to Ichibei - I couldn't make out what they were saying because of the pain - and he came up to my left side.

[...]

I...I thought he might help me, somehow. Even though I was already down an arm and a leg, I...He'd always seemed kind of cheerful and carefree, but I remember thinking that I'd never seen that kind of solemn, determined expression on his face when he looked down at me. He apologized to me, and then -

[A breath.]

He cut off the arm and leg I had left, all while Ichibei prayed while watching me be dismembered.

Kurosaki. . .

[his hands ball into fists, knuckles white, shoulders shaking. he was angry upon arriving here, of course. angry at Akechi for shooting him in the head, for tearing down the Phantom Thieves from the ground up with nothing but a single bullet. but he could swallow that anger. this?]

[this isn't anger on behalf of himself. it's anger on behalf of someone else, and that burns all the more brightly]

[and yet, he still gets the sense that the story isn't finished. that there's more to this bloody and gruesome tale. and he thinks. . . when he hears it, he isn't going to like how it ends]

[He hears that, but -

Somehow, it feels Good to tell someone this, to get it all off of his chest. The terror and fear he'd felt when he woke up still hung over him a little, even now - and there's only a small amount left to his story, anyway.]

I was - barely hanging on, at that point. I couldn't even scream anymore - and my vision was becoming hazy, but I knew if I passed out...I wouldn't wake up again.

But by then, I knew I wasn't getting out of there alive.

Ichibei came closer, still chanting - his hand was glowing, I don't know what he did - and he reached into my chest. There wasn't any extra pain, no blood...but then his hand came back up.

[He touches his chest, softly.]

...My heart was in his hand. Still beating, still attached to me - everything. And even though I'd gone through all of that, seeing my goddamn heart in his hand...

I was...terrified.

[...]

But it didn't matter what I felt, because the Soul King had to be created. So -

[Ichigo swallows, clenching his teeth and looking away.]

- He cut my heart out. And I tried to hang on, but then, I...died.

...And I woke up here, when you grabbed my shoulder.

[He falls silent, looking...drained, after that recounting. But more than that, he looks just as alone as he did the first time Akira met him, just as closed off and pressed into himself, but with added pain, guilt, and sorrow.]

...And...That's it, I guess. My body's probably encased in crystal by now in the royal realm, because....they never needed an alive soul king.

[suddenly, Ichigo's reaction when Akira reached out to shake his shoulder makes complete and total sense]

[it isn't unusual for Akira's sense of justice to stoke his constantly simmering anger when he hears stories like this. he can already feel the flames of outrage whirling back to life in the pit of his stomach. his eyes slip shut, and he has to clench his jaw to keep himself from crying out how much bullshit that entire experience is]

[it takes a moment. a good, long moment of Akira wrestling with himself. but he does manage to speak, words strained by even, full of fire]

That isn't fair. You didn't deserve that.

[it's a good thing Akira's anger burns cold]

There has to be a way to fix it.

I agreed to it.

[Akira's anger might burn cold, but the words that spill out of Ichigo's mouth are just as icey.]

I was so desperate to do something that I didn't bother asking what it was he was asking me to do. So, anything that happened was my own fault.

[His brown eyes flare with that intense bitter hint from before, along with an obvious, burning self-hatred.]

And I told you this so you'd understand - there's no fixing anything. My body is holding the worlds together, and my limbs and heart will eventually become people on their own. The people I care about are dead, and coming back to life isn't going to change a goddamn thing!

[He punctuates that by slamming a fist on their shared table, his face finally breaking from that blank look to one of pain and anger.]

So...leave it alone. You've got way more of a reason to live than I do, and...that kid said there's not a ton of second chances to hand out. If you can return to your life, then...that's fine with me.

Fuck that, it wasn't your fault!

[it's Ichigo blaming himself that finally breaks through that icy anger and releases some of the heat trapped within]

Being cornered into ritual homicide by people it sounded like you trusted isn't your fault. Even if you agreed to it.

[because agreeing to something without having all of the information, whether he asked for it or not, is not Ichigo's failing at all. it's the failing of those he semi-trusted for not informing him before they decided to murder him. but hey, at the end of that tiny outburst, at least he manages to regain a bit of his composure again. although not without another deep breath]

Are you really satisfied saying, "there's nothing I can do, so I'm going to leave things as they are?"

What the hell else is there?!

[God, it's good that the shadows around them take no notice, because Ichigo is getting loud.]

Even if I go back, it won't bring anyone else back to life! And like hell I'm going to go back to a world where everyone died and I couldn't do a damn thing about it!

[He sucks in a breath, clenching his teeth before he speaks next, fist on the table going white knuckled and shaking with the force he's using to clench his fist tighter.]

You have a chance. And I want to help you get it! But for me, this game is useless. I won't put the worlds in jeopardy just because I want to li-

[He cuts himself off there, making a choked noise before finally taking his hand off of the table, looking down and away, hiding his eyes behind those bangs of his.

Because, in the end, despite all his willingness to sacrifice himself, to just let it be?

It hurts. It hurts, but he can't do anything about it - and that hurts the most of all.]

[just because I want to live]

[those were the only words Akira needed to hear. the ones he was purposefully fishing for with his question. and even if Ichigo doesn't say them aloud?]

You want to live.

[Akira will do it for him, even and calm and purposeful]

. . . I don't have any answers. I can't tell you how to fix what went wrong in your world, because I don't know enough about your situation to understand how that's possible.

But if you want to live, Kurosaki, then I think you should fight for that right.

[he lifts his gaze, trying to meet Ichigo's, but only catching sight of his bowed head instead. even so? he doesn't look away]

Because as long as you're fighting? You'll eventually find your answers.

[don't give up. that's what he's saying, here. he can't offer Ichigo useless platitudes, likes you'll find a way to fix it or you can bring your friends back or you can figure out a way to protect your worlds while protecting your life. he believes all of those things, of course, but it wouldn't do any good to say them. right now?]

[all he knows is that Ichigo wants to live. and he doesn't want to see him give up on that]

[Ichigo doesn't make any indication he's heard - at first, anyway. But the slight tensing of his body, the tightening of his jawline and the way he swallows, hard...

It's enough to tell that Akira's words have effected him, deeply.]

....I know.

[His voice is quiet - nowhere near the passion that he had earlier - but it's all the more genuine for it.]

...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have dropped all of this on you like this - it's my issues, not yours.

[But yet again, Ichigo closes in on himself - takes on and shoulders the blame, because that's all he knows how to do at this point, with the memories that burn in the back of his brain.]

...But I really do mean it - I want to do everything I can to make sure you make it out of this.

[There's a pause, and then -

He smiles, but it's a self-demeaning smile.]

...Then again, maybe I shouldn't be talking like that - the last people I said that to ended up dying in front of me.

No. You don't have to apologize. I want you to feel like you can rely on me.

[Akira's used to situations like this, where he's sitting on the other end of a table, listening to someone tell him about their problems. he never minds it. and in Ichigo's case? he's even glad for it]

[he feels like he should repay the favor]

[quietly, as he gathers his thoughts and his words, he reaches out to pick up his drink from the table, swirling it around the paper cup as he does so]

. . . two of my friends from home are here. I didn't watch them die in front of me, but. . .

[he trails off]

...Because we're partners in this, right?

[He smiles, even if it's small, finally looking back at Akira.

But he waits to say anything else until Akira says that, nodding softly with a complicated expression on his face.]

Yeah. I've met one of them already - Kitagawa, I think? I'm pretty sure he suspects I'm a Reaper.

[a tiny little grin]

Because we're partners.

[and he means that. they've only known each other for like, three days, and he means it wholeheartedly]

[what comes out of Ichigo's mouth next gets a small snort from Akira]

So did everyone else, based on your profile. "Shinigami" just screams "Reaper."

[swirls his drink in the cup again]

But because of that, I don't think you are one.

. . . are you?

[It's funny how quickly bonds can be born, isn't it?

Still, his smile drops as Akira asks that, from minor surprise to a tired annoyance.]

Everyone's been asking me that, and I always tell them the same thing: 'Hell no.' If I was a Reaper, I would have a better idea about what's going on, you know?

[He leans back in the booth, giving a short, harsh sigh.]

The people running this probably thought it'd be funny to put that on there so everyone would suspect me from the get-go.

[I am thou, thou art I, thou hast aquired a new vow. . . with the birth of the Strength Persona. . .]

[the annoyance, however, is about what he expected, and he shoots Ichigo an apologetic look as he drops his drink back onto the table]

Sorry. That's the answer I suspected, and it's the one I believe. But. . . [well, Ichigo probably understands that he had to ask, just to cover his bases]

I don't doubt that's exactly why they put it in your profile. The guys in charge must have a stupid sense of humor.

[and yet, in a few ic days, Akira will be praising that sense of humor]

Nah, I get it.

[He waves off Akira's implication, clearly not taking it to heart, although he did slightly hesitate - just a moment when he realized why.]

It's safer to ask than to leave it alone. For the record, I don't think you're a Reaper, either.

[Because, well...

...Alright, so he doesn't have a real reason to think that, but...he'd like to trust his gut for once.]

But yeah, tell me about it. At least they also didn't put any stupid 'strawberry' jokes in there beyond the stuff about my hair color.

[a twitch of his mouth]

I'm not one. Thanks, though. . . for believing in me.

[he says that earnestly, with his grateful smile evidence in his words. also, totally reaching for another fry]

Did you get a lot of "strawberry" jokes back home?

Of course.

[With all that emotion gone, Ichigo is hungry now - and he reaches out to grab another nugget, popping it in his mouth.]

Mm, yeah. My name's written with the kanji for 'one' and 'protect', but everyone thinks it's written like 'strawberry' when they first hear it.

[He gives an annoyed huff.]

So I've gotten a lot of 'cute name' cracks from people.

[it's kind of good to see him having worked it out, even if Akira isn't convinced everything is okay again. but hey, that's fine. it takes time for people to be "okay," doesn't it?]

That's obnoxious.

[he replies with a huff as he stuffs a fry in his mouth]

You'd think they'd be a little more creative than that.

Tell me about it. But most delinquents tend not to be the brightest out there - especially when they give you shit for dyeing your hair despite it being natural.

[He snorts.]

Or punching them in the face for mugging someone, and then having to take down their whole gang because they came to your school all pissed off at you.

[...]

Made the Faculty not like me, but - can't please everyone, I guess.

[I-- wait, what??]

You took down a whole gang because they showed up at your school to cause trouble?

[slightly alarmed and slightly impressed, all in one]

Well, yeah.

[SAID LIKE IT'S THE MOST CASUAL THING IN THE WORLD. Just took down some delinquents, no big.]

I had some help, but it's not like they were really that threatening. Most of them went down pretty easily, you know?

[He shrugs.]

When you're used to fighting for your life, delinquents who think they're so big and bad are actually pretty weak.

[huffs out a laugh, light and airy]

Got a point there. They should call you Kurosaki Ichigo: Professional Delinquent Disposer.

Pfft - you make it sound like I should've been paid for it.

[Which, honestly, would have been pretty nice...

But - he did read everyone's profile. And that includes Akira's so...

Should he just come out and ask, or pretend like he didn't read it?]

...Hey, um...If this is too personal, you don't have to answer, but...

[Fuck it. Seize the moment, right?]

...You were killed by a traitor?

[oh]

[. . . right. that was going to come up eventually]

[. . .]

[he takes a sip of his drink, expression purposefully neutral]

Yeah. I was.

Shot right in the forehead.

[Ah -

For a moment, he feels like he's treading on something too close to home - something Akira might not want to talk about so easily.

He takes in a breath, considering his options - what he should say to that, or if he should even say anything, because -

What can he say that won't trample on Akira's heart?

After a moment, he finally comes to a conclusion.]

...Do you have scars from your death, too?

[Ichigo assumes that Akira is delicate. he isn't-- in fact, he's the farthest thing from that one can get. even if it stings, he knows he can take it. and he knows, after Ichigo told him so much, that he owes his partner an explanation]

[he nods, and wordlessly brushes his bangs away from his forehead to reveal a pale bullet wound scar right in the center. it's not immediately visible from a distance, but a closer look reveals that it's definitely there. raised pink skin, circular in shape]

[a mark that serves as nothing but a reminder of Akira's failures]

[Ichigo winces a little at the scar, but then just breathes out - rubbing his shoulder before pushing some of his shihakusho aside to show Akira the scar that goes all around his shoulder, as if his arm was reattached there.]

Guess they decided to leave us some marks of our failures, huh.

[Ruefully, he places his outfit back on and looks at Akira, deciding to just ask.]

...How did it happen? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but...

[He wants to know, if just to help him understand Akira and where he's coming from a little better.]

Ah, you know. Because the memories just aren't enough.

[with so much sarcasm it could be venom, dripping from every single word. he lets his bangs fall down and leans back in his seat]

It's a long and complicated story. I won't tell all of it.

. . . but I was trying to protect some people who are extremely important to me, through a very risky plan that put me face-to-face with the "traitor" himself.

The plan failed.

[he failed]

[and the others would suffer for it, if he didn't somehow survive this]

[Right, that's fair - he doesn't expect the whole story. He only gave the whole of his death because he didn't see the sense in hiding it, especially when the horrible manner of it was there for everyone else to see.

He nods, understanding the implication there - and he reaches out, to place his hand on Akira's shoulder, staring him straight in those gray eyes.]

...I know what it feels like to feel like you failed the people close to you, Akira.

[First name, because -

Well, they're partners now, aren't they? And not only that, but they both know the pain of being the one that others rely on...and letting them down.]

I'm sorry. But - like I said, I'll do everything I can to make sure you get your second chance - and this time, the plan won't fail.

[He sounds so confident - and maybe he feels like he is, in this moment, even though he's failed so many other precious people in the past.

Because their lives are linked together - and if he can't do his best for someone literally right in front of him, then...true death will be a fitting punishment.]

[ah. . .]

[it isn't hard to read the determination, the conviction, in Ichigo's gaze. something about it makes Akira's heart swell with hope. hope that they can both survive this horror show of a game and earn their second chance at life. hope that Ichigo is right about him not fucking it all up on his second go around]

[hope that, no matter what happens, in the end? they'll be able to make things right]

[his hands tighten around his drink, something flashing hot in the backs of his gray irises. the fire of determination of his own]

. . . I have to survive this.

[he says that quietly, but firmly]

I have to make it back. Not for my sake, but for theirs.

And you will.

[The affirmation is quiet, but no less meaningful, still keeping eye contact as they talk.

There is hope, even if it's not hope for himself. Even if it's just the hope that someone who so desperately deserves it, someone that has people relying on him, who doesn't think of himself but the people he left behind - if that one person can make it through this, then all the pain that's to come will be worth something.]

No matter what.

[god. Ichigo is too kind. whatever shitty death he experienced, he absolutely didn't deserve it. he needs to give back to Ichigo every ounce of determination and resolve that Ichigo is giving to him]

And I'll support you, in whatever way I can. I'll help you find your answers.

[the smallest flicker of a smile]

If you're lost, let me guide you, to the best of my ability.

That is what I can do in repayment.

[he puts it in those terms, just because making deals is what Akira does best. but truthfully? he wouldn't need a deal to make that offer]

[Despite everything - the painful memories, his own reluctance to gain his second chance - Those words, the emotions behind them come through crystal clear, and he smiles, gently nodding.]

...Alright.

[Yet, he lifts up a hand before Akira can speak again.]

But....you're right, that you're supporting me. And I'm supporting you. So...

Don't talk about repayment, or anything like that, because - we're being partners. And partners don't have to repay each other for watching each other's backs.

[He's serious, his eyes searching Akira's face before continuing.]

Our lives...they're connected now, you know? So it's more like...watching out for and supporting each other is really just us supporting ourselves.

[He pauses, and then scratches the back of his neck, looking away.]

That's what it seems like to me, anyway.

[. . .]

[he can't help but laugh, the sound light and airy, crinkling the edges of his eyes with the curve of his mouth]

Okay.

Then from this point forward, we're more than just partners for the sake of this game. We'll have each other's backs. [a pause, and a breath] No matter what.

[Week 0, Monday: Ichigo]

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