purrtagonist | [Week 3, Thursday: Ichigo]

[Ah...

He pauses, seeing that gentle acceptance, the way Akira's always there for him -

It makes his heart skip a beat, because, well...He couldn't say when he started getting these feelings, only that he knew them because he'd had them before, back when he was alive. Those smiles are the same in his mind, Orihime's bright and open smile that had always welcomed him, and Akira's, which was so deeply understanding and gentle, but also full of determination. They were things he loved to see, that lit up his world - and it's because of the memory of Orihime's death that he'd drunkenly kissed Akira, because - ]

I...Let me tell you something. The truth, this time.

[He takes a breath, centering himself....before he continues.]

When I was alive, I ...loved someone. She was bright, beautiful...and always made me feel so...happy whenever she smiled. She always wanted to do her best, and...I didn't tell her that I'd fallen in love with her, because I was afraid. Afraid that it'd ruin everything between us, that she didn't feel the same way, that I...wasn't good enough for her.

[His voice is slow, fond and yet pained, like recounting this is dragging up feelings he'd long since buried and tried to forget - but he's willing to show Akira his unhealed wounds, if just to explain.]

She could heal - every time I use my psych here, I remember her - and she gained enough power to fight beside me. I took her to the final battle against Yhwach - I knew that she could handle it - and I trusted in her. I trusted I could protect her, and that she had my back.

I was wrong. Not about her...but me.

[...]

I told you before, right? About...how I'd seen someone die in front of me.

[He swallows, reliving the memory in his mind - the memory of the blood staining the floor, of Yhwach's laugh, of her long hair strewn out behind her and her frozen, terrified expression.]

...He killed her. Yhwach. He killed her in front of me, to make me despair. And when Ichibei came to me - after I'd felt Rukia and Renji die too - I didn't even care what I'd sacrifice.

[He breathes out, shudderingly - before raising his hands and looking at them.]

...I've lost track of how many Games I've had to be in since then. How many times I've had to Erase Players with my own hands, all the screams and curses and hatred thrown my way until I was able to make my wings small and learn how to stop caring.

But...no matter how much I try not to, no matter how much I drink, how much blood stains my hands -

I still regret never saying anything to her. That I never told her how I feel.

[He looks at Akira, his eyes mournful, heavy with a weight far beyond what he looks like physically - but there's also still that faint trace of determination within them.]

....I know - I know when I love someone. And, I...feel that way towards you. I wanted - I wanted to keep it in, since I thought you were a Player, but I...

[He looks down, his head dropping, wings hanging down limply.]

...If I didn't say anything again, and you died, then...I'd regret it even more.

[Akira listens to everything Ichigo says, and he. . . he understands. that feeling of missed opportunities, of regret, of should-have-dones and could-have-dones. Akira lived his life in the moment, always going where his heart led, here and there like a breeze whipping through laundry drying on the line. so the idea of having a regret so large is. . .]

[. . . a little terrifying]

[so even through his own uncertainties (which are very unlike him, considering his confident nature) and his own hesitation (which is suddenly a little less now that he knows Ichigo is a Reaper, too), he continues to gently push]

It's okay. I'm glad you told me.

[and then, a pause]

. . . and I'm so sorry about what happened to her.

[Truthfully, it takes a little pressure off his overburdened heart to finally talk about what happened with someone - someone he knew wouldn't judge him, would accept him.

...Even if Akira didn't feel the same way, it was alright. They were still partners, Akira was still his precious nakama - and that wouldn't change. All he hoped from expressing how he felt was just a hope that it wouldn't make things awkward between them.

He looks up at Akira's words, smiling sadly in a way that's most likely familiar before nodding slowly.]

...I'll - never not regret that day. If I'd told her to stay back, if she'd gone with Chad or Ishida...she might still have been alive.

...I didn't meet her during any of the Games I was in. I didn't meet anyone I knew, which was good, but...I...

...I miss them. Everyone. I've missed them every single day. All my friends, everyone I cared about...I wish I could talk to them again. I wish I could - apologize -

[He swallows hard again, letting out a shuddering breath.]

...I hope...that they're alright. That the ones who died were able to reincarnate, and the ones who're still alive...that they can live peacefully now. I hope my family - Dad, Karin, Yuzu...I hope they've been able to move on without me and live their own lives.

I just - I want them all to be...happy.

[His shoulders shake and his voice breaks at the last word, lifting a hand to wipe at his eyes which threaten to overflow with tears. He means every word - none of what he's saying is filled with any sorrow for himself or his situation, just...grief, grief that he's kept inside for however long he's been a Reaper, unable to really express the depths of his sorrow to anyone he trusted, like he wrapped in unbreakable chains at the bottom of the ocean, unable to move or escape or do anything except feel the weight of the world slowly break more of himself down every single day.

He's still down under there, even now.]

[it's pretty fucking painful, watching Ichigo break down like this. watching him peel away the layers he used as a shield these past few weeks-- no. . . for much longer than that. for however long he had been a Reaper]

[Akira is supportive by nature. the kind of person who would reach out and encourage and hold up the people he loved, if they were struggling. so it probably comes as no surprise that he scoots his chair forward and reaches out, fingertips brushing against the lines of Ichigo's jaw]

[he doesn't want to send the wrong message. he doesn't want Ichigo to interpret any of this as acceptance or rejection. but a lot of their partnership these past few weeks had been built on comfort via physical affection, and that isn't about to stop]

How long. . . have you been keeping this in, Ichigo?

[To tell the truth, Ichigo didn't expect anything. He knows that they comfort each other this way - when had it started? Was it just so that he was so touch-starved that he didn't shy away from it all? - but having someone physically there for him is...

It's more comfort than he can express in words.]

...I lost count. Maybe it's been months, years...I don't know anymore. Time really doesn't mean anything to me anymore.

[he leans into the touch, still seeking that comfort in a point where he's the most vulnerable, purposefully stripping away everything he kept inside of himself because it hurt too much to hold onto anymore.]

I haven't - I haven't talked to someone like this in a long, long time. I - there's been no one. Most Reapers tend not to last long where I come from - they're either taken out by noise or other Reapers, so...after the first few times, I learned not to even try to get to know them.

....It hurts less that way. If I don't get to know them, I'll never care about them. And then...they can't hurt me when they die.

['The last people who got too close to me died, you know.'

He wasn't just talking about when he was alive.]

That's a lonely existence.

[it might be harsh to point it out, but honestly? it's true, isn't it? Ichigo may be keeping his distance to protect his heart, but loneliness isn't something anyone can fight alone]

. . . you deserve better than that, Ichigo.

...Maybe. But I didn't have a choice, so...

[He brings up his hand to pull Akira's hand onto his face fully, obviously doing it for the connection and sensation of another human being that he trusts after so long of being alone.]

...For a long time, I just lived to get strong enough to Erase my Composer - to save the souls that would be a part of his horrible Games. To give them a decent shot at a second chance, and not have kill each other to get there. Once that's over, I...

[He trails off, looking away - and it's probably easy to figure out what would have ended that sentence.]

[Akira goes willingly, palms lying flat against Ichigo's cheeks. he doesn't pull away. especially not when Ichigo trails off, the implications of his words very clear to Akira]

[he lets out a light tch. no. Ichigo deserved better. way better than just living to kill a shitty Composer, expecting to die himself shortly aftewards]

I know what loneliness feels like.

[this. . . might sound like a non-sequitur. but it isn't. he wants Ichigo to understand that he himself has been there. perhaps not nearly as badly as Ichigo the Reaper, but. . .]

. . . it feels like you're drowning in darkness. Constantly falling, without anyone to grab you and pull you to safety. It's crushing.

[crushing, suffocating, like deafening silence]

I can-- say this, now that I know we're both Reapers. [it'd be way more complicated if Ichigo had actually been a Player] But I don't want you to drown in that darkness.

If you need some light to guide you back home, then let that light be me.

[just as Akira's light had been Ryuji]

[His eyes snap back to Akira as he talks about loneliness, breathing in and still holding onto Akira's hand as if it's his only lifeline.

He knows what it's like - for Ichigo, it was more like lying at the bottom of the ocean, but the crushing weight and pain being talked about is all too familiar. And Akira offering to help him, to bring him out of that?

It was like looking up from that bottom and seeing someone beginning to break his chains.

For the first time in a long while - he lets himself feel hope again.]

....Akira....

[He looks into Akira's eyes - those stormy gray irises that he likes more than he'd care to admit - his expression softening and his eyebrows lifting from that permanent furrow, his own eyes having a light in them that Akira might have seen only once, when he was drunk, right before he kissed him.

It's the look of someone who's realized he's deeply in love, and is letting himself drink in the sight of his beloved person like they're the only thing that matters in the world.

Because, right now? That's the truth.]

....That's...really cheesy, you know. Doesn't your name have the kanji for 'light' in it?

[Even the attempt at a joke doesn't make him stop looking at Akira in his absolutely lovestruck way, genuinely smiling at him.]

....Thank you. I'll...take you up on your offer, so...be prepared, alright?

[that. . . that expression. it's. . . almost blinding in its brilliance, soft edges and bright genuineness and all. for a moment? Akira completely forgets how to breathe]

[he only remembers to do so after he realizes he's been staring for a few seconds too long]

[with a huff, he pulls away, gaze flickering up, and he pushes his glasses further up his features to hide the faint dusting of pink on his features]

Of course.

[compose yourself]

I wouldn't make the offer if I weren't prepared.

[He definitely doesn't miss that blush, as bright as it is - And he can't stop himself from smiling at it either, his heart leaping just a little bit even though Akira pulls away.

That might be a good sign - but he won't push it. Whatever Akira decides is his own decision, and Ichigo will respect it. No matter if it's a rejection or an acceptance.

...Even though he knows he shouldn't get his hopes up.]

Mm. Right.

[He keeps looking for just a little while longer, wanting to stay - before he sighs and starts looking at the door.]

So...I guess for now, this is goodbye. I'll meet up with you again after our meeting on Monday?

[a soft snort]

We don't really have to wait that long to meet up again.

[even if they pretend to be ON THE ROCKS in public, they can still hang out otherwise. right?]

[. . . unless Ichigo really didn't want to see him until Monday, which. was fine. but also kind of disheartening]

Well...

[He scratches the back of his head, a little sheepishly.]

It's not like I don't want to, but....if I'm going to do this right and not mess up, I'll have to stay away from you.

[Honestly, he didn't want to be away that long, either. But there were other things he had to think about, like his bad lying. And also -]

...Plus, in order to keep myself from saying too much and sliping up...I was going to get drunk over 'you dumping me' or something.

[. . .]

I feel like I should be concerned over how much you drink.

I'm fine.

[He's not fine, it's a shitty coping mechanism.]

It's not like it can hurt me any - I'm a Reaper, so all I get is drunk with no ill side effects. It's not like they're going to give us a bar after this week again, so - why not, right?

[He needs an intervention, honestly?]

It isn't the alcohol's effect on you I'm worried about.

[it's the fact that he copes like this at all???]

[He just scowls at his partner, wings flapping a little harder.]

I'm not an alcoholic, if that's what you're saying.

[He is totally an alcoholic in the 'uses it as a bad coping mechanism' way.]

It's a good way to act like an idiot and hide suspicion, is all.

[Yet, maybe, he doth protest too much...?]

...Anyway, it's not like I asked Max for alcohol or anything before this week, so you don't have to worry.

I'm pretty sure using alcohol to cope with bad feelings is the definition of being an alcoholic?

[he's. just saying]

Just. . . moderate yourself.

...I do.

[He doesn't say anything to that statement, and instead just looks away.

He does know he has a problem, but...What other options did he have?]

Yeah. So...I'll see you around, Akira.

[His wings vanish, and he quickly leaves the area, not looking back.]

All-- [right, is what he almost says. but Ichigo is up and out the door before he can finish his statement. so instead, he just watches his partner leave, observing as his back disappears through the door]

[. . .]

[he makes a mental note to bring this up again at a later date]

[Week 3, Thursday: Ichigo]

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