[He's stunned into silence, the moment Akira takes his face into his hands - not just because of what he's saying, but that Akira really, truly believes it.

He believes in him.

And that alone is enough to make him feel - so many things he can't name. Happiness? Hope? Sadness? Disbelieve?

Love?

His expression quickly crumbles - from the sad smile he was wearing to something much more pained and vulnerable, quickly shutting his eyes and making a harsh, choked sound at his words.]

I-I'm...

[He's - He's not -

In the face of all of this support, of someone he so trusts and cares for telling him that his old self isn't dead, that he can still return to who he was?

He defaults to the only thing he knows that has kept him safe, all these years.

Self-hate. Isolation.

Denial.]

...I'm not the person you think I am, Akira! I'm not - I'm not a good person, not anymore. I shouldn't - I shouldn't try to be who I was! Not when everything I've ever done went against everything I once stood for!

[He shakes his head, wrenching himself out of Akira's grasp, covering his eyes with his hands as he sucks in shuddering breaths, body trembling.]

It's better if I don't try, Akira! It's better if I just - If I just be a Reaper, someone who kills people and doesn't think about it, instead of someone who hurts every single fucking day! I don't want to be Ichigo Kurosaki if my life is like this!

[He screams that last sentence out, and then just...stays there, his hand still covering his eyes, not wanting to see Akira's reaction to his rejection of everything his Partner still believes he is -

Because then it would only hurt more.]