Akira "chaotic extra" Kurusu [Jᴏᴋᴇʀ] (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
purrtagonist) wrote2018-04-02 11:45 pm
purrtagonist) wrote2018-04-02 11:45 pm
Entry tags:
[Week 4, Monday: Ichigo]
[he gives it some time]
[a few hours, at the very least. he spends it playing arcade games, checking up on people, having conversations and making sure that all of his ducks are in a row]
[and once those few hours have passed, he seeks Ichigo out again. wherever Ichigo might be, whatever his mood is, there's Akira, bumping gently against his shoulder in an affectionate greeting]
Hey, you.
How'd it go?
[a few hours, at the very least. he spends it playing arcade games, checking up on people, having conversations and making sure that all of his ducks are in a row]
[and once those few hours have passed, he seeks Ichigo out again. wherever Ichigo might be, whatever his mood is, there's Akira, bumping gently against his shoulder in an affectionate greeting]
Hey, you.
How'd it go?
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[He's quiet, not quite sure what to say for a moment. No matter where they're at, he looks up at Akira with a gentle smile, obviously pretty tired - and automatically rests his head on Akira's shoulder for a moment before motioning for both of them to take a seat.]
Right now...they seem like they want to, but...they're not sure about the whole ending thing. We're going to ask Anthy for more information.
[He's using her name, because, well...They both know who she is by now, right?]
....I didn't - mess up any, did I? I - god, I almost lost it a few times....you and your goddamn jokes.
[He's tired, obviously - but that last bit is clearly said in good humor, with a smile being aimed his way.]
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What's wrong with my jokes? You didn't find them hilarious?
[hip bump, before they both take a seat]
Confirming with Anthy is a good idea. I imagine she'll tell them exactly what she told me.
. . . does this buy me at least one more week?
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[Once they're both seated, he goes back to resting his head on Akira's shoulder, closing his eyes and letting out one long, relieved sigh.]
Mmm, it does. We talked a little about if we decide to go with it, then what does that mean...I suggested switching sides, but...I'm not sure if any of them would want to.
[...]
I...if I can, I'd be fine with switching sides. We're already linked, and I'm used to Erasing. But that's only after everyone comes to a decision about what to do.
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. . .
[he isn't sure how he feels about Ichigo's suggestion. sure, having more Reapers on his team to delay endgame long enough to reach eight weeks is ideal. but if Ichigo-- or any of his other teammates, for that matter-- swapped, would they be required to murder as well?]
Would the Composer even let you switch sides. . .?
[he asks, even though the idea of needing Anthy's approval for such a thing makes him :/]
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Besides, he expects Akira to gently turn him down anyway - it's not like he's good enough, anyway.]
...If you're right about what she wants, then I don't see why she wouldn't.
[He doesn't like asking her, either - He doesn't trust any composer, but...it's all they've got.]
It's just convincing everyone else that we should.
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[and he imagines that'd be extremely difficult. why give up an advantageous position, even if doing so may help the entire Game reach their desired ending]
But even if you could, should you? [give him a second, he's going somewhere with this] You may be asked to Erase Players too, Ichigo.
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And then, surprisingly?
He starts laughing - but it's not happy laughter. It's more like the laughter someone does when they hear something they can barely believe.]
...Akira. How do you think my wings got so small?
[It's nice to know that Akira is worried about him, but...even so...
It's not like he's any stranger to coating his hands in the blood of the innocent.]
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[he had honestly put two and two together immediately upon seeing Ichigo's wings. only extremely experienced Reapers have wings that small, and even someone as new to the business as Akira knew that. but that was then, back in Ichigo's old Game, under his old Composer. this? this was now. this was a whole different situation, wasn't it?]
[. . . wasn't it?]
[there's hesitation, before he asks, voice low]
The Games you worked in before this one. . .
What were they like?
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[He's silent for a moment, considering what to say. Everything that Akira has said the way he's acted...
It's all pointed to one thing - That Akira has been part of a much gentler Game, most likely with a much, much gentler Composer running the show. Which is good - he's happy there are some composers out there without hardened hearts or downright sadistic - but his own experiences have been...
Well...
Traumatic, to say the least.]
...A lot like this, actually.
[He takes his time, slowly going over each word before continuing.]
Not where Reapers were pitted against the players in teams, but...People killing others isn't unusual. And especially...a Reaper erasing Players by their own hands.
[He looks down at his own again, flexing them.]
I've done...a lot of things. I've been screamed at in fear and hatred, cursed at, attacked...I had to learn to survive on my own, because no Reaper would help the other. Especially not when that was actively discouraged by our Composer, who was more than happy to run cruel games for 'experimental data.'
....Remember when I told you about the cycle of souls, in my world? The Games were a way of determining who goes on to be reincarnated in the Living world, and who breaks down into spirit particles to keep the whole system running. There's no second chances - just rebirth or true death. But despite that...none of them deserve a killing game. Or a Game where endless waves of Noise assault them, or a game where they have to vote on who dies next...
[His eyes seem far away, lost in his own horrible memories and the pain that he'd felt, looking so still and quiet and alone.]
You learn to shut it out. Stop getting attached, to both the Players and your fellow Reapers. You learn to kill your own emotions and stop fighting against the system, because nothing changes and you get punished for trying to rebel, never Erased because the Composer and the Conductor like seeing you struggle.
...And you learn to kill the pain with whatever's at hand, until you can't feel anything anymore.
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That's. . .
[. . . awful. almost worse than the Game they're playing now. idly, Akira thinks back to Max, who had alluded that his own Game had been even more horrifying than anything Akira can imagine. Ichigo. . . Ichigo's Games were the same way, weren't they?]
[it was no wonder he absolutely reeked of killing intent]
[his hand curls into a tight fist, knuckles white]
. . . no sadist like that deserves to be in such a powerful position.
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...He doesn't. He should be in hell - the place where souls go when their sins are considered to great to be in the cycle - but the old Soul King was the Composer. And because he was still semi-alive, when Yhwach - [He hesitates for a moment, because it was more like he'd killed the Soul King, when Yhwach used his own blood against him and forced him to slash at the crystal] - killed him...He died. For good.
[Either by rejoining the Cycle, or being fully Erased.
He doesn't know which.]
So...apparently, someone was desperate enough to drag a soul from hell and make them composer, since none of the Reapers around were in a level of power to do it. He'd apparently been a gentle Composer - choosing games that were very rarely violent, and he didn't have a Conductor and oversaw them himself.
...But by the time I arrived, everything had changed.
[He looks up, that deep pain coming more vividly to the surface as he talks.]
Akira, did you -
Did you...choose to become a Reaper?
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Why did it change?
[he knows this was before Ichigo's time, apparently. but he asks that question anyway, because it follows after everything his partner has said. but he barely has time to get it out of his mouth before Ichigo is asking another question in return. and, with a deep exhale, Akira nods]
Yeah. Of course. Nobody was ever forced into becoming one. It was just. . . an option, after winning.
[and his reasons for taking it were idealistic and, as Max put it. . . a bit naive]
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[That bitter tone is back - but it vanishes as soon as Akira says that, his face softening.
Ah - what a gentle place he must have been from, to not have the option to be a reaper upon losing the Game.]
I'm - glad. That you got to choose.
I...didn't.
[He looks down for a second, before taking a deep breath and swallowing.]
I told you - how I died, right? That I was ritually murdered to become the Soul King?
[...]
That was only...half true. I was cut up, had my heart removed and all that, but - my body was still alive. It still is, inside that crystal.
What died was my consciousness, because the thing holding the worlds together doesn't need one. All it needs is to be strong enough to hold the worlds apart.
So, when I went through the Game - and I won - I couldn't be reincarnated or Erased, because....
Technically, I was still alive, while also being dead at the same time.
[Like the cat in the box, both alive and dead until the lid was opened - but in his case, the lid had been sealed shut forever.]
So I had a 'choice.' I could go back to my body - trapped inside the crystal, living limbless and wordless and not even being able to speak...Or....I could become a Reaper.
[He closes his eyes, face set and solemn.]
It wasn't really a choice at all.
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[oh]
[he recalls what Ichigo said about not wanting a second chance, and he can't help but wonder if this was part of it. back when Ichigo was pretending to be a Player, maybe he was still honestly, legitimately concerned that returning to life would mean returning to an eternity of being locked, limbless, in a crystal]
That isn't. . .
[fair? shouldn't second chances also involve the repair of any damage caused during death?]
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[It might not be fair, but it is what it is. He lived, he died, and was forced into a bullshit decision.]
...That was why I couldn't take Terra's death. He was forced into that same decision, only he...was able to protect his friends.
[And in this moment? Ichigo...
looks so alone, like he does sometimes when he talks about his past. An isolated person, alone and hurting and Broken, for untold years as he drenched his hands in blood.
He smiles, sadly.]
...I died...a long time ago. I'm just - someone who's got the name of Ichigo Kurosaki, is all. Still alive just to kill souls and kill his own composer.
That's it.
[...]
And I've wanted to stop existing for a long, long time.
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[???]
[Akira turns to face his partner, moving on instinct, without regard for the meaning of his actions. he frames Ichigo's face with his hands]
Ichigo Kurosaki still exists. You're still him, deep down. I've seen it.
[he has, in small flickers here and there. in those tiny sparks that did exist in his partner's eyes, even if they took some coaxing to show themselves]
You've been alone and beaten down for so long it may feel like he's dead. But he isn't.
[and then, a little more softly]
He just needs the support he's been denied for however long you've been a Reaper.
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He believes in him.
And that alone is enough to make him feel - so many things he can't name. Happiness? Hope? Sadness? Disbelieve?
Love?
His expression quickly crumbles - from the sad smile he was wearing to something much more pained and vulnerable, quickly shutting his eyes and making a harsh, choked sound at his words.]
I-I'm...
[He's - He's not -
In the face of all of this support, of someone he so trusts and cares for telling him that his old self isn't dead, that he can still return to who he was?
He defaults to the only thing he knows that has kept him safe, all these years.
Self-hate. Isolation.
Denial.]
...I'm not the person you think I am, Akira! I'm not - I'm not a good person, not anymore. I shouldn't - I shouldn't try to be who I was! Not when everything I've ever done went against everything I once stood for!
[He shakes his head, wrenching himself out of Akira's grasp, covering his eyes with his hands as he sucks in shuddering breaths, body trembling.]
It's better if I don't try, Akira! It's better if I just - If I just be a Reaper, someone who kills people and doesn't think about it, instead of someone who hurts every single fucking day! I don't want to be Ichigo Kurosaki if my life is like this!
[He screams that last sentence out, and then just...stays there, his hand still covering his eyes, not wanting to see Akira's reaction to his rejection of everything his Partner still believes he is -
Because then it would only hurt more.]
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[and maybe that's how he finds himself understand why Ichigo wants to separate himself from the person he used to be]
[he drops his hands into his lap, curling his fingers into his pants, resisting the urge to reach out and take Ichigo by the shoulder. he'll give him a bit of breathing room. for now]
. . . for what it's worth.
[even though he does think that there's good in Ichigo, even though he has seen fire in his eyes and the desire to fight]
No matter which one of us is right, I still like the person I see in front of me right now.
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[That one sentence knocks him out of his panic, of his anguish and his isolation.
'I still like the person I see in front of me right now.'
After all, he'd reacted so badly - to that support, to that affirmation that his old self was there - was because he thought Akira was saying that he only liked those flicker of embers still left inside of him, the last bits he still held onto. He panicked because he wasn't sure How to flame those up anymore, how to be that person that Akira saw -
But hearing that even this self is still liked, he...
He slowly, shakily, lowers his hands, staring at Akira with a vulnerability that pierces right to the core of who he is - the scared, hurting person who has been alone and in pain for so long that he forgot what companionship and comfort felt like.]
You....do...?
[It's said with so much trepidation behind it, as if he can barely believe it himself.
because he can't.]
How....How can you, still -
[He cuts himself off, running a hand through his hair, and when he speaks again?
It's with the tone of someone who expects rejection.]
I'm - a killer. I'm someone who took away the futures of so many people, how can you say that? I'm - a Shinigami.
[A death god.
How can anyone like that?]
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[comes Akira's easy reply]
Isn't that practically synonymous with shinigami? And more than that, if we don't manage to save the Erased, then I've helped my fellow Reapers steal away the futures of this Game's participants.
[he might not have as much blood on his hands as Ichigo, but. . . even if he hasn't killed anyone himself just yet? he isn't innocent]
No mater what kind of sins you've committed under the duress of your current Composer, Ichigo, you're still someone worth liking. Unless you think my sins mean nobody should like me?