[Week 4, Monday: Ichigo]

[purrtagonist]

[he gives it some time]

[a few hours, at the very least. he spends it playing arcade games, checking up on people, having conversations and making sure that all of his ducks are in a row]

[and once those few hours have passed, he seeks Ichigo out again. wherever Ichigo might be, whatever his mood is, there's Akira, bumping gently against his shoulder in an affectionate greeting]

Hey, you.

How'd it go?

Comments

[bladeisme]

[He's stunned into silence, the moment Akira takes his face into his hands - not just because of what he's saying, but that Akira really, truly believes it.

He believes in him.

And that alone is enough to make him feel - so many things he can't name. Happiness? Hope? Sadness? Disbelieve?

Love?

His expression quickly crumbles - from the sad smile he was wearing to something much more pained and vulnerable, quickly shutting his eyes and making a harsh, choked sound at his words.]

I-I'm...

[He's - He's not -

In the face of all of this support, of someone he so trusts and cares for telling him that his old self isn't dead, that he can still return to who he was?

He defaults to the only thing he knows that has kept him safe, all these years.

Self-hate. Isolation.

Denial.]

...I'm not the person you think I am, Akira! I'm not - I'm not a good person, not anymore. I shouldn't - I shouldn't try to be who I was! Not when everything I've ever done went against everything I once stood for!

[He shakes his head, wrenching himself out of Akira's grasp, covering his eyes with his hands as he sucks in shuddering breaths, body trembling.]

It's better if I don't try, Akira! It's better if I just - If I just be a Reaper, someone who kills people and doesn't think about it, instead of someone who hurts every single fucking day! I don't want to be Ichigo Kurosaki if my life is like this!

[He screams that last sentence out, and then just...stays there, his hand still covering his eyes, not wanting to see Akira's reaction to his rejection of everything his Partner still believes he is -

Because then it would only hurt more.]

[purrtagonist]

[in the future, that last statement will resonate with Akira on a deep level he never wanted to reach. it already kind of does, even though he hasn't properly pulled the trigger on anyone just yet. he was still there, he still watched as his fellow Reapers took lives, and he still helped where his help was needed. he isn't completely innocent. his hands aren't completely clean]

[and maybe that's how he finds himself understand why Ichigo wants to separate himself from the person he used to be]

[he drops his hands into his lap, curling his fingers into his pants, resisting the urge to reach out and take Ichigo by the shoulder. he'll give him a bit of breathing room. for now]

. . . for what it's worth.

[even though he does think that there's good in Ichigo, even though he has seen fire in his eyes and the desire to fight]

No matter which one of us is right, I still like the person I see in front of me right now.

[bladeisme]

...!

[That one sentence knocks him out of his panic, of his anguish and his isolation.

'I still like the person I see in front of me right now.'

After all, he'd reacted so badly - to that support, to that affirmation that his old self was there - was because he thought Akira was saying that he only liked those flicker of embers still left inside of him, the last bits he still held onto. He panicked because he wasn't sure How to flame those up anymore, how to be that person that Akira saw -

But hearing that even this self is still liked, he...

He slowly, shakily, lowers his hands, staring at Akira with a vulnerability that pierces right to the core of who he is - the scared, hurting person who has been alone and in pain for so long that he forgot what companionship and comfort felt like.]

You....do...?

[It's said with so much trepidation behind it, as if he can barely believe it himself.

because he can't.]

How....How can you, still -

[He cuts himself off, running a hand through his hair, and when he speaks again?

It's with the tone of someone who expects rejection.]

I'm - a killer. I'm someone who took away the futures of so many people, how can you say that? I'm - a Shinigami.

[A death god.

How can anyone like that?]

[purrtagonist]

I'm a Reaper.

[comes Akira's easy reply]

Isn't that practically synonymous with shinigami? And more than that, if we don't manage to save the Erased, then I've helped my fellow Reapers steal away the futures of this Game's participants.

[he might not have as much blood on his hands as Ichigo, but. . . even if he hasn't killed anyone himself just yet? he isn't innocent]

No mater what kind of sins you've committed under the duress of your current Composer, Ichigo, you're still someone worth liking. Unless you think my sins mean nobody should like me?