Akira "chaotic extra" Kurusu [Jᴏᴋᴇʀ] (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
purrtagonist) wrote2017-12-23 10:29 pm
purrtagonist) wrote2017-12-23 10:29 pm
Entry tags:
[Day 7, daytime: Ichigo]
[Akira makes the rounds. he's quiet, but he holds his head as high as he can, keeps his exhaustion off of his features while he serves Dazai his daily glass of port wine, makes hot cocoa for Ichigo, tries to comfort dragon Corrin outside of Niles's room, pays respects to Niles's shrine, and converses with Will. he snaps a few times, loses grasp of his tightly controlled anger as it breaks through the surface and rears its head for a select few. but every time, he pulls it back again. reminds himself that anger is a double-edged sword, and he shouldn't wield it so recklessly as to hurt the people who don't deserve it]
[at least, until he's alone]
[Akira isn't a violent person. it may be the former assault on his record, but he doesn't like lashing out with reckless punches or kicks. but while meandering through what he believes to be an empty hallway near the dormitory wing as he heads back to his room. . . he suddenly stops. tilts his head back, eyes shut tight, brows furrowed]
[and then he moves to slam his fist against the wall. hard]
Shit--
[he hisses that word under his breath, mostly to himself. because as far as he's concerned? he's alone here. and if he's alone, then he can maybe let the weight of what just happened bear down on him a little more than he would have otherwise]
[at least, until he's alone]
[Akira isn't a violent person. it may be the former assault on his record, but he doesn't like lashing out with reckless punches or kicks. but while meandering through what he believes to be an empty hallway near the dormitory wing as he heads back to his room. . . he suddenly stops. tilts his head back, eyes shut tight, brows furrowed]
[and then he moves to slam his fist against the wall. hard]
Shit--
[he hisses that word under his breath, mostly to himself. because as far as he's concerned? he's alone here. and if he's alone, then he can maybe let the weight of what just happened bear down on him a little more than he would have otherwise]
Hello who's ready for pain (and gay)
Even knowing that they'd gotten the right person didn't help - especially not after Ichigo comforted him in his final moments, talking to him about his past and the pain he'd bore, holding a despairing man as he begged Ichigo to kill him.
Even now, coming back from the greenhouse, body still covered in fresh dirt and Niles' blood, he can't stop thinking about everything, going over and over it inside of his head. What if he'd talked to Niles before that night? What if he'd actually done what Niles requested, and spared both him and Corrin that pain? What if, what if, what if.
It's the sudden thud of a hand against a wall that gets Ichigo to pull himself from his spiral of self-blame and sorrow, head snapping up as he quickly heads toward the sound just in time to see Akira swear to himself, and -
Ah. That's right. He's not the only one suffering - It was Akira's theory that pointed most people towards Niles being the killer, and...He'd seen Niles threaten Akira, shortly before he died. Of course Akira had to be going through some pretty heavy emotions right now, perhaps just as heavy as Ichigo's.
It's that thought that causes him to move forward, reaching out for Akira's arm with his dirty hands.]
Akira...
RAISES HAND
[Akira jerks back from Ichigo's touch, not because he doesn't want it, but because he hadn't expected it. he whirls around on his heel so fast, eyes wide, that he nearly trips over himself. his two nights of not sleeping are definitely not helping his reaction times, here]
Ichigo-- [. . . wait]
Are you okay?
[GESTURES. TO THE DIRT AND BLOOD??]
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Yeah. ...Niles' body was still there, so Minako and I buried him.
[It's easy to tell Ichigo has faded into a sort of emotional numbness at this point, his eyes blank and focusing on everything except the reality in front of him, except when he looks at Akira.]
...You're not okay.
[It's not a question, but a statement. He did see Akira just punch the wall, something he's never done.]
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You look like hell.
[he doesn't answer that statement directly, but instead turns things around, changes the focus so it's not on him and his suddenly throbbing knuckles but his friend's exhaustion]
You need a shower and a nap.
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[Looking like hell and needing a nap, he means. Still, Akira has a point.]
...Come with me to my room?
[It's direct, but he's sleep deprived - that, and he doesn't want to leave Akira alone, not when he can tell he's suffering. Especially since Akira is the one person he trusts the most above all else.]
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[brows quirked, eyes flashing with sudden amusement, which cuts through the exhaustion and anger. his reply is immediate]
Why Ichigo, I had no idea you were so forward. And after we've only known each other for a week--
[IT'S. . . IT'S REFLEX]
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Th-That's - I wasn't - I just wanted -
[He's a stammering mess, even through the total exhaustion, because he didn't mean it that way oh my god.]
I-I-Not like that-!
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I'm kidding.
[a small shrug]
I can understand not wanting to be alone right now.
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He then reaches up and gives Akira a finger flick on the forehead, looking faintly annoyed.]
Oi, people will think you're being serious when you act like that, you know.
[
Like he did.But he nods, already starting to walk off towards his room.]
It won't take me too long to get changed and cleaned off, if you're okay with waiting.
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I don't mind. I can't promise I'll stay awake, though.
[now that they caught Sigma's killer, now that Niles is dead? he feels like he could sleep for days]
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If you want to sit on my bed, feel free - it'd probably be more comfortable than the floor right now, anyway.
[Akira might notice that the clothing he takes is black, before he ducks into the bathroom. About 10 minutes later, Ichigo opens the door again - this time in his shihakusho, minus the white pieces of armor and the white fabric around his waist. Akira might notice that it almost looks eerily similar to traditional funeral wear, except for a few differences - there's a black cloth on top of the white, and Ichigo has it closed in the manner of the living, not the way you would close it when dressing a corpse.
He silently walks back to his bed, sitting on it regardless if Akira took him up on his offer.]
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[but! Akira's fellow captive disappears into the bathroom before he can ask about this, leaving him standing in the middle of the room kind of. blinking in confusion. teeeentatively, he takes a seat on the edge of Ichigo's bed, pinching off his glasses and digging the heels of his palms into his eyes]
[he almost does fall asleep while Ichigo is in the bathroom, but the sound of the door opening jerks him to full awareness again. with a few bleary blinks, he slips his glasses back on]
. . .
Traditional, huh. . . [the symbolism isn't lost on him] Tsumugi set up a shrine in the cafeteria, too.
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Sitting on the bed, Ichigo tugs slightly at the sleeves - it feels like an eternity since he's had it on, the looseness of it at once annoying and yet comforting.
He'd put it on mostly for his own comfort, but also because it just felt...right, somehow.]
...Yeah. This is...the outfit Shinigami wear, in my world.
[His face softens as Akira mentions Tsumugi, glad that someone decided to honor their lost and dead, and soothe their souls.]
...That was kind of him. I didn't see it, so he must have set it up when I -
[Niles' body in his arms, still full of arrows, closing his eyes and setting his mouth so he could still have dignity in death-
He pauses mid sentence, sharply inhaling before placing a hand to his face.]
...
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[quietly, hands balling into fists in his lap, fingers curling into his pants]
Do you ever stop being a shinigami? [wait. let him rephrase] Do you ever just. . . allow yourself to be a normal teenager for a change?
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Then, he laughs - but it's a terrible laugh, full of pain and faint bitterness.]
I've never been 'normal' since the day I was born.
[He leans back, staring at the ceiling for a moment before continuing.]
I've always seen the dead. I never had a day go by without seeing some ghost, someone who'd recently died or been dead for a while clinging to me and trying to communicate, because I was one of the few people who could.
Being a shinigami, it's...it's something that I've only been for a few years. But even before then, I couldn't escape being someone who walked the line between life and death, and...
...When you're like that, you can't be normal. And if you lose your powers and become normal? You're constantly thinking about how you're missing parts of yourself that have been there since you were born.
[He just looks down at the floor, still sadly smiling.]
...I'm being a shinigami, because...If I let it go, then what am I? What good am I, here, if I'm just a normal human? If...If I can't even -
[He takes a shaky breath, raising a hand to his face again.]
-if I can't even give someone who's terrified and hurt the end they want?
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. . . are you talking about how Niles asked you to kill him?
[ah. . . Ichigo hadn't told him about that, had he?]
You're not defined by your responsibilities as a shinigami, you know. Strip that away and you're still Ichigo. Still someone who tries to carry everyone's suffering on his own shoulders.
And you don't have to be ashamed when it becomes too much for you alone.
[. . . for being so outwardly angry earlier, Akira's sure good at reining himself in to offer words of comfort to others]
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How did you....?
[But after a moment, it fades. He did tell Dazai after all, and most likely the man let Akira know during a conversation. But it's also not the whole of what Ichigo is struggling with - it's a much more knotted matter, tightly bound in his chest, the betrayal and loneliness Niles had, right up until -
No. No, he's not going to think about it.]
...And what about you?
[He's changing the topic - it's easier for him to think of other people instead of himself - but...as someone who tries to carry everything, he can recognize when someone else is doing the same thing, trying to hold back his emotions to be the person everyone relies on.]
You didn't punch the wall for no reason, Akira.
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[Akira can't help the wry, knowing smile that curls up the corners of his lips. the way his gaze flickers away, eyes distant and clouded. he links his hands behind his head, flops backwards onto the mattress, staring up at the ceiling as he contemplates his next reply. Ichigo has probably noticed he's the thoughtful sort. the kind who consider the effects of his words, before he lets them free into the world]
[in the end? he decides to drop his walls a bit. just a tiny, minuscule fraction. a larger view of the weakness he had showed out in the hallway just ten minutes earlier. maybe then, Ichigo will do the same]
The world isn't fair. [he says that simply. bluntly. the words of someone who has experienced those injustices firsthand] It will never be fair. There are selfish people everywhere you turn, and no matter how hard my friends and I try to reform society, it's--
[a breath]
When you spend years knowing this, when you stare right into the eyes of an unjust system, only to have it grind its heel into your face over and over and over again, you get. . .
[this isn't a part of him he talks about much. it's a part of him he's embraced, he's come to weaponize, he's come to use as fuel to keep him going forward. but talking about it with others? never]
You get angry. And you stay angry. And maybe you learn how to turn that anger into a weapon, but sometimes?
You can't always. . . hold it back.
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He's silent as Akira talks about his anger, because...he'd never have guessed. Determined, yes - unwilling to give up, and the flashes of anger here and there made sense, but to hear that he was always like that, that he couldn't hide his anger at the corrupted system above him, that his anger almost overflowed -
Akira was right - by talking about his emotions, it caused Ichigo to reveal his, letting some of his mask down and letting it spill out.]
...Yeah, you can't hold it back. Even if you try.
[He takes in a breath, swallowing hard.]
...I don't - I don't have that kind of anger. I've been angry before, but...I can't keep it up for that long, even when people treat me like I'm something I'm not. But...I know what you mean.
[He shifts slightly on the bed, trying to figure out how to word this.]
...I - back home, I could feel the hearts of the people I fought. I wouldn't know it right away - in fact, I only to realize it after the fight - but every time, I could feel their emotions, their thoughts...I could understand them and where they were coming from.
[He's silent for a moment, breathing out with a slight sob at the end of it.]
I-I've never fought Niles, but...he talked to me. He told me his past, that he felt betrayed by Corrin and his lord, who he thought sent him to die here when it was just the raccoons, and I...
[His voice is cracking, his shoulders beginning to shake. He doesn't look at Akira as he struggles with his emotions, his fists balling into the fabric of his hakama.]
...I saw myself in him, because I know - I know what it's like, Akira! When everyone's betrayed you, and there's no one on your side - to suffer like that, alone, and shove everyone away because its your own problems and no one else's!
[A tear falls on top of his hands, his voice now choked through with emotion.]
He - he only made those stupid jokes and insinuations to push people away, and I...I know what that feels like. If you never let anyone get close, you can't be hurt when they leave or when they die-
[A rainy june night-]
- I just, if I'd only noticed earlier! If I'd stayed around, if I'd just fucking talked to him instead of being chased away, he and Sigma might be alive! But I didn't, and I couldn't even help him at the end because I couldn't kill him, and I - I know what it's like to feel like you'd be better off dead!
[And that's the last he gets out before he lifts his hands to his face and weeps, for the second time that day - sobbing without remorse, crying in a way he hasn't since his mother died, so many years ago.
Akira has anger deep inside of him, yes. But Ichigo? Ichigo has compassion.]
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[Akira's response is immediate. he shoves himself up again, reaches out and grasps Ichigo tightly by the shoulders. he can't catch Ichigo's gaze with his own, not while his fellow captive has his face buried in his hands like this. but his expression is hard. fiery. determined]
It's not your fault!
[he reiterates, firm and emphatic]
You, Niles. . . neither of you are the only ones here who know what it feels like to have the world turn its back on you! And just because you know what that feels like doesn't mean you're responsible for the choices he made. I don't-- I can't even begin to understand why he killed Sigma.
[and he thinks it totally fair that Niles wouldn't share that information with him, considering everything]
But you're not responsible for those motives. You're just-- you're not. You can have compassion, you can empathize, you can understand, but--
[Akira had all of those things, too. it was how he was able to extend a hand of friendship to Akechi. it was how he had been able to foster so many confidants and relationships back home]
It isn't your responsibility, it isn't your duty to push yourself beyond your limits to grant someone's selfish last request.
. . . and it was selfish. [no doubts about that] For him to put such a burden on you, when he was the one who chose to kill? That's the very definition of selfish. So. . .
Mourn his death. Give him a grave. Pay visits to his shrine. He deserves all of that, because ultimately, he's a victim of this stupid game, too. But don't. . . don't beat yourself up for not being able to shoulder his final request.
Everything else you've done-- listening to him, giving him respect even in death-- is more than enough.
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So he jut leans forward, placing his head on Akira's shoulder, and cries. He cries for the people that have died - Niles, Sigma, Santa - and he cries for this situation that they've all become trapped in. He cries for the future victims to come and their killers, the blood and death that they'll all see. He cries for the people he's come to care and trust for here, that they'll have to bloody their own hands by chosing who to be executed, or be torn from him in death. And he lets himself cry for himself - for the fights and battles he's been through, for the people he's had to kill to save everyone, for his own lost innocence and the people who died that he ultimately couldn't save back home.
He can't stop - and maybe he shouldn't. But for now, there's no way he can respond to anything Akira's saying.]
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[as soon as Ichigo's forehead thunks against his shoulder, he wraps his arms around his back in a tight yet warm embrace, burying his nose into the top of his fellow captive's head. his heart aches, because it isn't fair for someone as strong, as compassionate, as selfless as Ichigo to go through this. and yet his blood burns, knowing that their fight is far from over]
[knowing that, as of right now, they're both powerless to stop any of it]
[but Akira's here now, isn't he? and he told Ichigo to allow someone to support him for a change a mere few days ago (even though now it feels like months). and the least he can do is be a sturdy force for Ichigo to lean on while he rides this out. while he comes to terms with Niles's final request, and all of the dark, bitter, painful memories it has dredged up]
[and so here is where he stays, offering Ichigo a shoulder to cry on and a warm presence to remind him that, for all of the shit he's going through right now, he at least isn't alone]
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It's not until Akira's shoulder is completely soaked through with tears that his sobs begin to die down into gasps and hollow sobs, chest heaving as he comes down from that run of emotion that overtook him. Yet, he doesn't move away right away, taking shuddering breaths with his face still pressed against Akira, soaking in that comfort and warmth, a sensation he hasn't had since he was a young child and would bury himself into his mother's arms.
Eventually, he pulls away, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, still looking like a mess, but yet also somehow better, having vented out so much.
When he talks next, it's quiet.]
...He's not...the only person I've ever see die in front of me.
[He looks down, staring at his hands, remembering.]
...I've had to kill people. Ulquiorra, Ginjou, Yhwach...I should - I should be desensitized to death, but...
[A mirthless laugh, soft and breathy, escapes him.]
...I could have killed someone, too. He killed Sigma because he thought his lord commanded it, but I...the wish they were going to grant...
[He falls silent, before looking back at Akira.]
"What's more important - the lives of people here, or bringing your mother back to life?"
I...I thought about it. When I was with Atsuko. She's so defenseless, and I...I know how to kill people. It wouldn't have taken much to strangle her or break her neck, but I....I couldn't. But if - if I'd thought no one believed in me, if I thought I was totally alone, then I -
[He cuts himself off, falling silent, pressing a hand to his face.]
...I hate the rain. I don't know why it's not on my profile, but...I can't stand it. Especially in summer, at night...because it reminds me of when she died.
When she died protecting me, because I couldn't tell the difference between the living and the dead.
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I think it's impossible for anyone to not have been at least a little tempted by the incentives they gave us.
[he says that quietly, thinking back onto the conversation he had with Akechi last killing night. thinking back to his own incentive-- the offer to send home every single person dragged to this place. living, and dead]
[murder had always been off the table for Akira. but even he can't deny that his desire to save everyone. . . well. let's just say it's a damn good incentive]
But you didn't kill her.
[a simple fact that means all the difference]
Because you know you're not alone, yeah? Because you know it isn't worth it.
[he'll get to the part about Ichigo's mom in a second. that's what he's addressing first]
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Yeah. I didn't. But the fact that I considered it, it...it scares me - that one day, I might decide the reward's good enough to kill for.
[And from the way he looks, he doesn't want to. Every other time he's killed, it's been in self defense, to protect both his life and the lives of others. But to take someone's life, when they hadn't done anything to you...that was something he couldn't bear thinking of.]
...But...I do know that I'm not alone. That there are people here who I care about enough not to torture them with having to vote for me, and that...she wouldn't want that, either.
[He moves, quietly - going back to the same shoulder he'd wept on, wrapping his arms around Akira for another hug, searching for that same warmth that had comforted him as he cried.]
...Sorry for crying on you - your shoulder's all wet now.
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