purrtagonist | [Day 7, daytime: Ichigo]

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nope's peak: r1

[Day 7, daytime: Ichigo]

[Akira makes the rounds. he's quiet, but he holds his head as high as he can, keeps his exhaustion off of his features while he serves Dazai his daily glass of port wine, makes hot cocoa for Ichigo, tries to comfort dragon Corrin outside of Niles's room, pays respects to Niles's shrine, and converses with Will. he snaps a few times, loses grasp of his tightly controlled anger as it breaks through the surface and rears its head for a select few. but every time, he pulls it back again. reminds himself that anger is a double-edged sword, and he shouldn't wield it so recklessly as to hurt the people who don't deserve it]

[at least, until he's alone]

[Akira isn't a violent person. it may be the former assault on his record, but he doesn't like lashing out with reckless punches or kicks. but while meandering through what he believes to be an empty hallway near the dormitory wing as he heads back to his room. . . he suddenly stops. tilts his head back, eyes shut tight, brows furrowed]

[and then he moves to slam his fist against the wall. hard]

Shit--

[he hisses that word under his breath, mostly to himself. because as far as he's concerned? he's alone here. and if he's alone, then he can maybe let the weight of what just happened bear down on him a little more than he would have otherwise]

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[. . . so this is how it was, huh. . .]

[Akira can't help the wry, knowing smile that curls up the corners of his lips. the way his gaze flickers away, eyes distant and clouded. he links his hands behind his head, flops backwards onto the mattress, staring up at the ceiling as he contemplates his next reply. Ichigo has probably noticed he's the thoughtful sort. the kind who consider the effects of his words, before he lets them free into the world]

[in the end? he decides to drop his walls a bit. just a tiny, minuscule fraction. a larger view of the weakness he had showed out in the hallway just ten minutes earlier. maybe then, Ichigo will do the same]

The world isn't fair. [he says that simply. bluntly. the words of someone who has experienced those injustices firsthand] It will never be fair. There are selfish people everywhere you turn, and no matter how hard my friends and I try to reform society, it's--

[a breath]

When you spend years knowing this, when you stare right into the eyes of an unjust system, only to have it grind its heel into your face over and over and over again, you get. . .

[this isn't a part of him he talks about much. it's a part of him he's embraced, he's come to weaponize, he's come to use as fuel to keep him going forward. but talking about it with others? never]

You get angry. And you stay angry. And maybe you learn how to turn that anger into a weapon, but sometimes?

You can't always. . . hold it back.

[He's noticed. He's noticed a lot of things about Akira, from his emotions to how he acts, and the thoughtfulness is just something that he also admires, when Ichigo himself tends to shoot from the hip, so to speak - letting his emotions and thoughts dictate what he says.

He's silent as Akira talks about his anger, because...he'd never have guessed. Determined, yes - unwilling to give up, and the flashes of anger here and there made sense, but to hear that he was always like that, that he couldn't hide his anger at the corrupted system above him, that his anger almost overflowed -

Akira was right - by talking about his emotions, it caused Ichigo to reveal his, letting some of his mask down and letting it spill out.]

...Yeah, you can't hold it back. Even if you try.

[He takes in a breath, swallowing hard.]

...I don't - I don't have that kind of anger. I've been angry before, but...I can't keep it up for that long, even when people treat me like I'm something I'm not. But...I know what you mean.

[He shifts slightly on the bed, trying to figure out how to word this.]

...I - back home, I could feel the hearts of the people I fought. I wouldn't know it right away - in fact, I only to realize it after the fight - but every time, I could feel their emotions, their thoughts...I could understand them and where they were coming from.

[He's silent for a moment, breathing out with a slight sob at the end of it.]

I-I've never fought Niles, but...he talked to me. He told me his past, that he felt betrayed by Corrin and his lord, who he thought sent him to die here when it was just the raccoons, and I...

[His voice is cracking, his shoulders beginning to shake. He doesn't look at Akira as he struggles with his emotions, his fists balling into the fabric of his hakama.]

...I saw myself in him, because I know - I know what it's like, Akira! When everyone's betrayed you, and there's no one on your side - to suffer like that, alone, and shove everyone away because its your own problems and no one else's!

[A tear falls on top of his hands, his voice now choked through with emotion.]

He - he only made those stupid jokes and insinuations to push people away, and I...I know what that feels like. If you never let anyone get close, you can't be hurt when they leave or when they die-

[A rainy june night-]

- I just, if I'd only noticed earlier! If I'd stayed around, if I'd just fucking talked to him instead of being chased away, he and Sigma might be alive! But I didn't, and I couldn't even help him at the end because I couldn't kill him, and I - I know what it's like to feel like you'd be better off dead!

[And that's the last he gets out before he lifts his hands to his face and weeps, for the second time that day - sobbing without remorse, crying in a way he hasn't since his mother died, so many years ago.

Akira has anger deep inside of him, yes. But Ichigo? Ichigo has compassion.]

Edited 2017-12-25 06:04 (UTC)

[holy shit. and there it is]

[Akira's response is immediate. he shoves himself up again, reaches out and grasps Ichigo tightly by the shoulders. he can't catch Ichigo's gaze with his own, not while his fellow captive has his face buried in his hands like this. but his expression is hard. fiery. determined]

It's not your fault!

[he reiterates, firm and emphatic]

You, Niles. . . neither of you are the only ones here who know what it feels like to have the world turn its back on you! And just because you know what that feels like doesn't mean you're responsible for the choices he made. I don't-- I can't even begin to understand why he killed Sigma.

[and he thinks it totally fair that Niles wouldn't share that information with him, considering everything]

But you're not responsible for those motives. You're just-- you're not. You can have compassion, you can empathize, you can understand, but--

[Akira had all of those things, too. it was how he was able to extend a hand of friendship to Akechi. it was how he had been able to foster so many confidants and relationships back home]

It isn't your responsibility, it isn't your duty to push yourself beyond your limits to grant someone's selfish last request.

. . . and it was selfish. [no doubts about that] For him to put such a burden on you, when he was the one who chose to kill? That's the very definition of selfish. So. . .

Mourn his death. Give him a grave. Pay visits to his shrine. He deserves all of that, because ultimately, he's a victim of this stupid game, too. But don't. . . don't beat yourself up for not being able to shoulder his final request.

Everything else you've done-- listening to him, giving him respect even in death-- is more than enough.

[He can hear - and he understands, understands that what Akira is saying is the truth, that he shouldn't blame himself, shouldn't shoulder everything alone - but he can't respond, his emotions flooding out after years of holding them in.

So he jut leans forward, placing his head on Akira's shoulder, and cries. He cries for the people that have died - Niles, Sigma, Santa - and he cries for this situation that they've all become trapped in. He cries for the future victims to come and their killers, the blood and death that they'll all see. He cries for the people he's come to care and trust for here, that they'll have to bloody their own hands by chosing who to be executed, or be torn from him in death. And he lets himself cry for himself - for the fights and battles he's been through, for the people he's had to kill to save everyone, for his own lost innocence and the people who died that he ultimately couldn't save back home.

He can't stop - and maybe he shouldn't. But for now, there's no way he can respond to anything Akira's saying.]

[Akira doesn't hesitate]

[as soon as Ichigo's forehead thunks against his shoulder, he wraps his arms around his back in a tight yet warm embrace, burying his nose into the top of his fellow captive's head. his heart aches, because it isn't fair for someone as strong, as compassionate, as selfless as Ichigo to go through this. and yet his blood burns, knowing that their fight is far from over]

[knowing that, as of right now, they're both powerless to stop any of it]

[but Akira's here now, isn't he? and he told Ichigo to allow someone to support him for a change a mere few days ago (even though now it feels like months). and the least he can do is be a sturdy force for Ichigo to lean on while he rides this out. while he comes to terms with Niles's final request, and all of the dark, bitter, painful memories it has dredged up]

[and so here is where he stays, offering Ichigo a shoulder to cry on and a warm presence to remind him that, for all of the shit he's going through right now, he at least isn't alone]

[When he's hugged, he clings back - hands digging into the fabric there, holding on like he's a drowning man holding onto a rock in a raging river, it being the only thing that keeps him from being swept into the current.

It's not until Akira's shoulder is completely soaked through with tears that his sobs begin to die down into gasps and hollow sobs, chest heaving as he comes down from that run of emotion that overtook him. Yet, he doesn't move away right away, taking shuddering breaths with his face still pressed against Akira, soaking in that comfort and warmth, a sensation he hasn't had since he was a young child and would bury himself into his mother's arms.

Eventually, he pulls away, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, still looking like a mess, but yet also somehow better, having vented out so much.

When he talks next, it's quiet.]

...He's not...the only person I've ever see die in front of me.

[He looks down, staring at his hands, remembering.]

...I've had to kill people. Ulquiorra, Ginjou, Yhwach...I should - I should be desensitized to death, but...

[A mirthless laugh, soft and breathy, escapes him.]

...I could have killed someone, too. He killed Sigma because he thought his lord commanded it, but I...the wish they were going to grant...

[He falls silent, before looking back at Akira.]

"What's more important - the lives of people here, or bringing your mother back to life?"

I...I thought about it. When I was with Atsuko. She's so defenseless, and I...I know how to kill people. It wouldn't have taken much to strangle her or break her neck, but I....I couldn't. But if - if I'd thought no one believed in me, if I thought I was totally alone, then I -

[He cuts himself off, falling silent, pressing a hand to his face.]

...I hate the rain. I don't know why it's not on my profile, but...I can't stand it. Especially in summer, at night...because it reminds me of when she died.

When she died protecting me, because I couldn't tell the difference between the living and the dead.

[fingers suddenly brush under Ichigo's chin, the pad of Akira's thumb brushing across the still damp tear tracks on his cheeks]

I think it's impossible for anyone to not have been at least a little tempted by the incentives they gave us.

[he says that quietly, thinking back onto the conversation he had with Akechi last killing night. thinking back to his own incentive-- the offer to send home every single person dragged to this place. living, and dead]

[murder had always been off the table for Akira. but even he can't deny that his desire to save everyone. . . well. let's just say it's a damn good incentive]

But you didn't kill her.

[a simple fact that means all the difference]

Because you know you're not alone, yeah? Because you know it isn't worth it.

[he'll get to the part about Ichigo's mom in a second. that's what he's addressing first]

[He makes a small sound as Akira touches him, not expecting that - he doesn't get touched often, for reason that are both culture and personal related. Yet, he doesn't pull away - He's too exhausted to, and it's...nice to be touched in such a gentle way.]

Yeah. I didn't. But the fact that I considered it, it...it scares me - that one day, I might decide the reward's good enough to kill for.

[And from the way he looks, he doesn't want to. Every other time he's killed, it's been in self defense, to protect both his life and the lives of others. But to take someone's life, when they hadn't done anything to you...that was something he couldn't bear thinking of.]

...But...I do know that I'm not alone. That there are people here who I care about enough not to torture them with having to vote for me, and that...she wouldn't want that, either.

[He moves, quietly - going back to the same shoulder he'd wept on, wrapping his arms around Akira for another hug, searching for that same warmth that had comforted him as he cried.]

...Sorry for crying on you - your shoulder's all wet now.

[again, Akira himself isn't the most affectionate person, either. both for his own cultural and personal reasons. but it comes so easily, so simply, that he doesn't stop himself. though his hand drops away into his lap when Ichigo leans in for a second time]

[he lets out a huffed, humorless laugh, sliding an arm around Ichigo's shoulders in return. his hold isn't quite as tight as it was before, but he still isn't letting go]

My shoulder can take it. [he jokes with forced levity] It's tough.

[and then, a little more quietly]

. . . hang in there. It's still only the beginning.

[There's that warmth - and he impulsively presses into it a little, shutting his eyes.

He could fall asleep like this - and he's definitely close to it, considering how tired he is from not sleeping and crying twice in one day - but Akira's voice brings him back to reality.]

...I know. This...just ended up being harder on me than I expected.

[He's silent for a moment, then his hands clutch at little tighter, determination stealing into his voice.]

...But we could stop it before it starts again.

Edited (phrasing) 2017-12-25 23:15 (UTC)

[considering their positions, Ichigo won't be able to see the way Akira's smile suddenly turns sharp. dangerous, almost. edged with the excitement of someone who has more than enough fight left within, for the both of them]

[his tone is still quiet, but laced with every bit of fire still burning in his heart]

That's what I like to hear.

We aren't, after all, completely helpless.

[He may not be able to see that smile, but he Definitely hears that fire in his voice, and smiles himself.

That's right - Akira never gave in, never stopped thinking of ways to get everyone out of here. It was why Ichigo admired him so much - that despite the despair of their situation, he'd never let it consume him.

He lifts his head, looking at Akira with that same determination.]

...Next killing night, let's try to get into places they aren't going to let us in. That way, we can find things out about the raccoons - and if we're really lucky, maybe we can even find a control room and deactivate the guns near the front doors.

[Ichigo pulls away, and Akira's arms slide from the backs of his shoulders and down his arms, which he grips lightly. he tilts his chin up, and nods]

A little bit of sneaking around and breaking and entering, huh?

[sounds exactly up his alley]

Heh. . .! Then it's a date.

It's a date.

[Ichigo grins himself - not one of his normal, closed in grins, but a grin that's just as fierce and mischevious as the smile Akira showed earlier.]

Let's make the raccoons and whoever's controlling them regret bringing us here - by giving them hell.

Edited (deleted a line) 2017-12-26 01:19 (UTC)

[that's better. even if that grin is mitigated by red eyes, by tear-stained cheeks? it's way better. and it's good to know that despite his moment of weakness, Ichigo's still got a firm hold on his own spirit of rebellion]

[Akira gives his fellow captive's arms a light squeeze, before he pulls away and lifts a closed hand for a fist bump. BROTHERS IN ARMS, ICHIGO]

You're damn right. Here's to being the biggest pains in the ass they've ever dealt with.

[He lets go fully to return that fist bump, feeling...well, good for the first time in days. Instead of just wallowing in his despair, he's got a plan - alongside someone he's come to trust the most here.

And he was able to regain his spirit by Akira never losing it, being there to - well, to support him. He only hoped that he'd be able to support Akira as well, both of them covering the other both mentally and physically as they tried to break everyone out of this damned school and give the people running this killing game something to fear.]

We'll make them never forget it. For everyone here - and for everyone who's already gone.

[Santa. Sigma. Niles.

They would end this all, together.

...Right after, however, he yawns - lifting his fist bumping arm to his mouth and slumping over a little.]

...But...we should probably get some sleep, first. It's been - well, it's been a long couple of days.

Edited 2017-12-26 01:51 (UTC)

[it's way easier for Akira to regain his own bearings when someone else needs to lean on him. if anything? sitting down, clinging to his new friend while he let out seven day's worth of pent up frustration, and trying to encourage him not to blame himself for Niles's selfish actions, had helped put a lid back on the anger that had brought Akira to the brink of cracking earlier, with his hand slammed against the nearest wall]

[that lid likely wouldn't last forever. but despite everything. . . talking to Akechi, making the resolution to take back his lost power and agency, and solemnly swearing to get into no good with Ichigo has given him something to look forward to]

[everything sucks. but they're not helpless. they can fight and struggle, and fight they damn well will]

[that spark of rebelliousness softens somewhat when Ichigo yawns, something fond flickering into Akira's eyes. he lifts a hand and pinches his glasses from his nose, ducking his head when the contagious yawn reaches him next. god, he's exhausted]

Yeah, yeah. Dazai so helpfully reminded me that it takes three days of no-sleep for the hallucinations to start.

[flaps a hand!!]

[When that lid eventually came off, Ichigo wanted to be there. If just for the simple fact that he wasn't someone who didn't repay debts...but also that he could still tell Akira was hiding his own emotions, forcing them down.

He wasn't going to push - he was still too tired for that - but one day in the future, he would.

Even if said future would lead to tragedy.

Ichigo laughs a little, looking like he already wants to lay down. It's been an exhausting day, and he's falling into that comfortable numb state that settles over you when you've cried out your emotions.]

Yeah, it does...good thing we're both only on day two, huh?

[He runs a hand through his hair, orange locks ruffling slightly as he does so.]

You can, um...you can stay here if you want. Have a sleepover, or something. I can sleep on the floor.

[The reality was that he didn't...really want to be alone. Not tonight, when that being alone with his thoughts would cause him to think about things he didn't need to, things that he already got out just a few minutes ago.

But at the same time, he'd understand if Akira wanted to leave, and not fight with him over it.]

[honestly, before he can even stop himself, Akira follows the movement of Ichigo's hand through his hair. he's suddenly overcome with the urge to reach out and ruffle those locks himself, but. in the end? he refrains. the reasoning behind Ichigo's request doesn't go unnoticed, either. and if Akira was going to be completely truthful with himself, he didn't exactly want to be alone tonight, either]

[he accepts with little protest]

Didn't you say you had a thing about your bed?

[he's already moving to stand up]

Give me a pillow and a blanket, and I'll take the floor.

-! Hey!

[Ichigo reaches out and grabs Akira's wrist, anchoring him down to the bed.]

It's just - if I don't know someone that well, I don't like them on my bed, but that's not an issue anymore!

[Then why did he yell at Rukia getting on his bed?? HM A MYSTERY]

Besides, you're a guest. Or, uh, as close as a guest as we can get here - so I'll go on the floor.

[warm fingers curl against his wrist, and Akira cranes his head over his shoulder to blink at Ichigo. he doesn't know about Rukia, so he can't call him out there, but]

[dude]

Ichigo. . . [places a hand solemnly over his heart] I know better than anyone else the kind of relationship a man fosters with his bed.

And I'm not so selfish as to come between that.

[HE SOUNDS SO SERIOUS BUT HE'S JUST VERBALLY SHITPOSTING]

[OH??? MY GOD???

He practically splutters, grabbing one of his pillows and thwapping Akira in the face with it.]

Don't make it sound weird, you idiot! You make it sound like I'm some kind of bed pervert!

[MMMMMMFFAJSODFPA??]

[with a strangled yelp, Akira stumbles back and nearly trips over the nightstand. as it is, he winds up sending it rattling and rocking]

. . . your secret is safe with me!

[STOP HIM]

[He'll stop him with another pillow to the face]

Keep it up and you'll regret it!

[Despite that, he's smiling - he knows Akira doesn't mean it, and it's nice to cool down from all that emotion with something silly and harmless.]

[ACK]

[Akira's ready for it this time, at least! he catches the pillow with one hand, and fwaps Ichigo on top of the head with it in REVENGE]

You sure? So far, I'm feeling negative twelve regret.

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