purrtagonist | [Day 12, afternoon: Akechi]

Because you have all the power here! I have to do what you say, but you can go off and do whatever you want? What kind of friendship is that?

[welp so much for staying calm]

[. . . those words actually sound like an echo of something awfully familiar in the back of his brain, but he's way too focused on the yelling to think too hard about it right now]

I'm not-- what?

What power do you think I have, here?

Not "here." You have power over me. You're the one who controls our situation back home; you're the one who has other people to fall back on. All I have is the threat that I represent.

[what???]

[his own bewilderment finally gives way, and he raises his voice as well. this is probably a bad place to be yelling]

I'm trying to be someone you can fall back on. I'm trying reach out and grab your hand so you don't fall into the same patterns in which you got caught up back home. I'm trying to encourage you to make other friends so you have other people who will catch you, too-- like Graham, or Shuichi.

Or do you think that I wasn't being honest when I said I didn't think it was too late?

Edited 2018-01-07 06:53 (UTC)

[sort of realizing that himself, finally approaching him and grabbing hold of his wheelchair to steer him into the kitchen]

As a matter of fact, I don't think that. I'm fully confident that you believe every thoughtless, deluded thing that comes out of your own mouth!

[lifts his foot so Akechi can do that, at least]

I don't make offers I don't intend to follow through on, Akechi! You of all people should know that!

And I didn't mean it as some sort of power grab to control you, either!

I almost wish you had! At least then I could believe that you have the slightest idea of what you're doing! Maybe if you were using me then you could at least pretend as if you've listened to my concerns!

I don't even know what I'm doing!

[. . . . . . .]

[slumps in the chair a bit, hand pressed against his forehead]

. . . I don't know what I'm doing.

[. . .]

And that's terrifying. Because Joker always did.

You were objectively the most powerful human being alive, and now you're completely helpless.

[stops pushing, but maintains his position behind the chair]

Do you think I don't know exactly how terrifying that is?

[registers this, but doesn't comment]

No, I--

[uuuuugh]

I know. . . you do.

I tried to tell you.

...Is it because you don't trust me? Is that all it is?

[almost a little hopeful there, because that's better than not being taken seriously... maybe?]

[AKECHI]

No. That isn't it.

[drags his hand down his face, wincing as he accidentally puts pressure on his cheek wound. his next response is quiet, like. . . it's touching on something that he's never really spoken aloud before, scratching the surface of feelings he's always kept close to his chest in order to maintain a picture of composure and togetherness]

It's because I can't do what you do.

What I do...?

[so completely baffled that even the emotion has drained out]

When I first moved to Tokyo, I couldn't even make it one day pretending to be a "normal high school student." And I tried. I tried to keep my nose out of trouble, I tried to keep my head down, I tried to stay polite, to hold my tongue, to do everything that a "good" kid-- judged by the standards of all of the adults around me-- was supposed to do.

[he gets more and more distasteful and derisive as he goes]

Every single second of that fake good kid act made me feel like I was drowning. So when I finally harnessed the power to fight back, it was--

[a breath]

It was liberating. It was like I was finally able to be the person I knew I was supposed to be all along. But. . .

[but those methods don't work here. being that person-- the person who always rises up and fights back-- isn't. . . working. it's as Akechi surmised: what was supposed to be an unstoppable force finally crashing into an immovable object. and the unstoppable force isn't what's winning, here]

Graham told me that he would bet on your resiliency over my ability to adapt. And maybe-- [a shrug] Maybe he's right.

...If I am... "resilient," it's not because I wanted to be. I have never had the luxury to behave in a way that was not appeasing to others.

[comes around to the front of the wheelchair, pulling up a chair of his own and taking a seat]

It's taken me a long time to comprehend how you could be so completely brazen. You've always made it look so easy, as well... I can't say I didn't envy the freedom that I saw in you. And if I am to be completely honest, deep down I admired your principles as well. You're a good person, Kurusu.

[a little grudging, a little awkward. but against all odds, he finds that he doesn't want to be more hurtful than he has to.]

If this were a good world, or even just a fair game, that would be enough. But I'm not going to sugarcoat it— I agree with Will. If you can't adjust to this situation, you're not going to survive it.

[jam session in the kitchen. Akira doesn't look up whenever Akechi sits down, gaze affixed on his lap, the heel of his palm digging into one eye like he's trying to hold something back]

The world has never been good, or fair. That's why we formed the Phantom Thieves in the first place: to enact our own justice. I've risen above unjust circumstances before, too. Remember-- Yaldabaoth's game was rigged for me to lose.

[a tiny flicker of pride at that. he knows he punched fate in the face in those circumstances, and he can't deny he's damn proud of it]

But without Joker, I'm just. . . some unruly kid who almost gets himself and someone important to him killed out of sheer stupidity. Out of sheer defiant stubbornness.

[at least he's honest with himself]

. . . maybe I finally see what you meant when you said you could make decisions I couldn't. That you could do what's necessary.

[resists the instinct to argue for the sake of argument at that glint of pride. it's silly to argue a point upon which you agree. THERE IS NO JUSTICE, ONLY POWER.]

I'm glad to hear that. Or rather... relieved. Even if you decide that you can't do it, then... then at least you can make that choice with your eyes open.

[moves like he's going to reach out, but he gives up on the gesture before even really starting. his hand barely leaves the arm of his chair before dropping back down]

Edited 2018-01-08 19:13 (UTC)

[JUSTICE ACHIEVED BY HAVING POWER]

[he misses that aborted movement, too busy focusing on his lap, on scrubbing away whatever emotions threaten to spill out with his hand. he already cried on Ichigo last night, he's not going to cry again!!]

. . . make no mistake, I'm not giving up. I'm not throwing in the towel. I'm not quitting.

[a breath. and once he feels like the moment has passed, he lifts his head again, eyes sparking]

I can do it.

[do what, though?]

[that's a good question. let's ask it]

Do what?

[smart kid. his answer isn't very specific, though]

Survive.

[no, no it isn't!!]

I don't suppose you'd care to be a little more specific.

[slowly, a crooked smile curves up the corners of his mouth]

Well, tonight I'm going to be stuck in the nurse's office with an alien doctor-slash-babysitter.

He could probably take down a killer before they got to me.

[a joke. . . he jokes. . .]

[this, at least, puts Akechi a bit more at ease]

...That's a very good point. At least for tonight, you would make a poor target.

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