Akira "chaotic extra" Kurusu [Jᴏᴋᴇʀ] (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
purrtagonist) wrote2018-04-02 11:45 pm
purrtagonist) wrote2018-04-02 11:45 pm
Entry tags:
[Week 4, Monday: Ichigo]
[he gives it some time]
[a few hours, at the very least. he spends it playing arcade games, checking up on people, having conversations and making sure that all of his ducks are in a row]
[and once those few hours have passed, he seeks Ichigo out again. wherever Ichigo might be, whatever his mood is, there's Akira, bumping gently against his shoulder in an affectionate greeting]
Hey, you.
How'd it go?
[a few hours, at the very least. he spends it playing arcade games, checking up on people, having conversations and making sure that all of his ducks are in a row]
[and once those few hours have passed, he seeks Ichigo out again. wherever Ichigo might be, whatever his mood is, there's Akira, bumping gently against his shoulder in an affectionate greeting]
Hey, you.
How'd it go?
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...He doesn't. He should be in hell - the place where souls go when their sins are considered to great to be in the cycle - but the old Soul King was the Composer. And because he was still semi-alive, when Yhwach - [He hesitates for a moment, because it was more like he'd killed the Soul King, when Yhwach used his own blood against him and forced him to slash at the crystal] - killed him...He died. For good.
[Either by rejoining the Cycle, or being fully Erased.
He doesn't know which.]
So...apparently, someone was desperate enough to drag a soul from hell and make them composer, since none of the Reapers around were in a level of power to do it. He'd apparently been a gentle Composer - choosing games that were very rarely violent, and he didn't have a Conductor and oversaw them himself.
...But by the time I arrived, everything had changed.
[He looks up, that deep pain coming more vividly to the surface as he talks.]
Akira, did you -
Did you...choose to become a Reaper?
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Why did it change?
[he knows this was before Ichigo's time, apparently. but he asks that question anyway, because it follows after everything his partner has said. but he barely has time to get it out of his mouth before Ichigo is asking another question in return. and, with a deep exhale, Akira nods]
Yeah. Of course. Nobody was ever forced into becoming one. It was just. . . an option, after winning.
[and his reasons for taking it were idealistic and, as Max put it. . . a bit naive]
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[That bitter tone is back - but it vanishes as soon as Akira says that, his face softening.
Ah - what a gentle place he must have been from, to not have the option to be a reaper upon losing the Game.]
I'm - glad. That you got to choose.
I...didn't.
[He looks down for a second, before taking a deep breath and swallowing.]
I told you - how I died, right? That I was ritually murdered to become the Soul King?
[...]
That was only...half true. I was cut up, had my heart removed and all that, but - my body was still alive. It still is, inside that crystal.
What died was my consciousness, because the thing holding the worlds together doesn't need one. All it needs is to be strong enough to hold the worlds apart.
So, when I went through the Game - and I won - I couldn't be reincarnated or Erased, because....
Technically, I was still alive, while also being dead at the same time.
[Like the cat in the box, both alive and dead until the lid was opened - but in his case, the lid had been sealed shut forever.]
So I had a 'choice.' I could go back to my body - trapped inside the crystal, living limbless and wordless and not even being able to speak...Or....I could become a Reaper.
[He closes his eyes, face set and solemn.]
It wasn't really a choice at all.
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[oh]
[he recalls what Ichigo said about not wanting a second chance, and he can't help but wonder if this was part of it. back when Ichigo was pretending to be a Player, maybe he was still honestly, legitimately concerned that returning to life would mean returning to an eternity of being locked, limbless, in a crystal]
That isn't. . .
[fair? shouldn't second chances also involve the repair of any damage caused during death?]
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[It might not be fair, but it is what it is. He lived, he died, and was forced into a bullshit decision.]
...That was why I couldn't take Terra's death. He was forced into that same decision, only he...was able to protect his friends.
[And in this moment? Ichigo...
looks so alone, like he does sometimes when he talks about his past. An isolated person, alone and hurting and Broken, for untold years as he drenched his hands in blood.
He smiles, sadly.]
...I died...a long time ago. I'm just - someone who's got the name of Ichigo Kurosaki, is all. Still alive just to kill souls and kill his own composer.
That's it.
[...]
And I've wanted to stop existing for a long, long time.
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[???]
[Akira turns to face his partner, moving on instinct, without regard for the meaning of his actions. he frames Ichigo's face with his hands]
Ichigo Kurosaki still exists. You're still him, deep down. I've seen it.
[he has, in small flickers here and there. in those tiny sparks that did exist in his partner's eyes, even if they took some coaxing to show themselves]
You've been alone and beaten down for so long it may feel like he's dead. But he isn't.
[and then, a little more softly]
He just needs the support he's been denied for however long you've been a Reaper.
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He believes in him.
And that alone is enough to make him feel - so many things he can't name. Happiness? Hope? Sadness? Disbelieve?
Love?
His expression quickly crumbles - from the sad smile he was wearing to something much more pained and vulnerable, quickly shutting his eyes and making a harsh, choked sound at his words.]
I-I'm...
[He's - He's not -
In the face of all of this support, of someone he so trusts and cares for telling him that his old self isn't dead, that he can still return to who he was?
He defaults to the only thing he knows that has kept him safe, all these years.
Self-hate. Isolation.
Denial.]
...I'm not the person you think I am, Akira! I'm not - I'm not a good person, not anymore. I shouldn't - I shouldn't try to be who I was! Not when everything I've ever done went against everything I once stood for!
[He shakes his head, wrenching himself out of Akira's grasp, covering his eyes with his hands as he sucks in shuddering breaths, body trembling.]
It's better if I don't try, Akira! It's better if I just - If I just be a Reaper, someone who kills people and doesn't think about it, instead of someone who hurts every single fucking day! I don't want to be Ichigo Kurosaki if my life is like this!
[He screams that last sentence out, and then just...stays there, his hand still covering his eyes, not wanting to see Akira's reaction to his rejection of everything his Partner still believes he is -
Because then it would only hurt more.]
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[and maybe that's how he finds himself understand why Ichigo wants to separate himself from the person he used to be]
[he drops his hands into his lap, curling his fingers into his pants, resisting the urge to reach out and take Ichigo by the shoulder. he'll give him a bit of breathing room. for now]
. . . for what it's worth.
[even though he does think that there's good in Ichigo, even though he has seen fire in his eyes and the desire to fight]
No matter which one of us is right, I still like the person I see in front of me right now.
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[That one sentence knocks him out of his panic, of his anguish and his isolation.
'I still like the person I see in front of me right now.'
After all, he'd reacted so badly - to that support, to that affirmation that his old self was there - was because he thought Akira was saying that he only liked those flicker of embers still left inside of him, the last bits he still held onto. He panicked because he wasn't sure How to flame those up anymore, how to be that person that Akira saw -
But hearing that even this self is still liked, he...
He slowly, shakily, lowers his hands, staring at Akira with a vulnerability that pierces right to the core of who he is - the scared, hurting person who has been alone and in pain for so long that he forgot what companionship and comfort felt like.]
You....do...?
[It's said with so much trepidation behind it, as if he can barely believe it himself.
because he can't.]
How....How can you, still -
[He cuts himself off, running a hand through his hair, and when he speaks again?
It's with the tone of someone who expects rejection.]
I'm - a killer. I'm someone who took away the futures of so many people, how can you say that? I'm - a Shinigami.
[A death god.
How can anyone like that?]
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[comes Akira's easy reply]
Isn't that practically synonymous with shinigami? And more than that, if we don't manage to save the Erased, then I've helped my fellow Reapers steal away the futures of this Game's participants.
[he might not have as much blood on his hands as Ichigo, but. . . even if he hasn't killed anyone himself just yet? he isn't innocent]
No mater what kind of sins you've committed under the duress of your current Composer, Ichigo, you're still someone worth liking. Unless you think my sins mean nobody should like me?