purrtagonist | [Week 5, Monday: Maya]

What's up, Akira?

[ tenko's taking a nap. it's a hard life being a puppy. ]

[good, he can put Oinkira on the ground next to Tenko, so the chickenpig can sleep too. he runs his fingers across the puppy's head idly, expression distant]

Have you ever Erased anyone before?

[oh]

[ they're gonna be bffs. she glances away. ]

Personally? Only one person. And not by choice.

[ that seems to be a running theme with her. ] But indirectly.... a lot more.

[. . . he isn't really sure what sort of answer he expected, but somehow, it wasn't an upfront and honest answer. he lifts his gaze from Tenko and Akira the chickenpig, and turns to regard her, features soft and curious. there's no judgment on them. there couldn't be, not after Sunday]

Is. . . it okay if I ask? About, ah. The first incident.

[. . .]

[he should maybe not be talking about this right after Caren]

[ a beat. ]

Are you asking because of what happened with Caren...?

[ah. well. that was extremely transparent, wasn't it?]

[he opens his mouth to say something, but shuts it again with a click. his expression turns sheepish, eyes flickering away]

You don't have to answer.

I'll tell you. It's probably a story you can relate a little too, anyway.

[ her expression softens. ]

..... But before that, do you want to tell me about Caren?

[she's. . . ]

[seeing right through him, isn't she? just as Caren had. finding the words is hard, so he shoves his hands into his pockets and gives her a hapless shrug]

I don't know what to say.

[. . .]

One second she was there, and one second she-- wasn't.

[and the second in between those two extremes was the most terrifying second he had ever experienced. and that includes his own death]

[ offers her hand again -- like before. ]

You remember that isn't who you are, right?

[and in an instant, his fingers are pressed against her palm, holding her hand a bit too tightly]

[. . .]

[keep it together, Kurusu. together. you totally knew the day would come where you'd have to be the one holding the knife, or standing behind the gun. you don't have a right to complain]

Isn't it, though?

We're judged for the actions we take. Not for our intentions.

[he can think "I don't want to do this" as much as he wants, but in the end, he still. . . is doing this. right?]

Yeah, but does it count when you're being forced into them?

[ his grip is a little tight, but she doesn't seem to mind. ]

And really literally, in this case.

[he's trying to make sure it isn't painful, at least]

It feels like it counts. Forced into it or not, real people have been hurt by the things I've done.

.... I know. But beating yourself up about it won't help anyone.

I know. [wry; he huffs out a laugh, but there's no humor in it at all] It's just me wallowing in my own self-absorbed angst.

I know.

[it's selfish. he's selfish. he shouldn't be torn up about this. he needs to get over and move on. doesn't he?]

[his grip on her hand loosens]

. . . sorry. I just. . . [gestures. helplessly. he can't articulate what he means] Anyway.

That isn't what I meant, dummy. [ she's giving his hand a squeeze! ]

It's just the two of us here. You can have this moment. But you remember what I said, didn't you? You're not defined by what you're forced to do.

I remember.

[he's having a tough time believing it, though. especially when things like. . . Caren. . . happen]

[he glances down at their conjoined hands, and searches for more words]

It's terrifying. [ah] Watching someone die. I've done that a lot over the past few weeks. Just. . . watch. But knowing it was my fault, knowing that human life is that fragile. . .

[. . .]

[vvvvery quietly]

It's even scarier to know I have the capability of breaking it within me.

Clearly you don't remember well enough! I gotta knock it back into your skull.

[ but then her expression grows more somber. ]

Everyone's capable of it, Akira. You just don't know until you have the choice --- or, in your case, you don't.

I didn't think I was.

[when a wild card achieves the world, they're supposed to be fully realized, aren't they? they're supposed to know who they are, deep down. to be confident in themselves and everything they've achieved]

[. . . he suppose this doesn't mean that he doesn't still have things to learn about himself]

[before he can stop himself, he's stepping forward, tilting his head down to thunk his forehead on her shoulder]

. . . I'm tired.

[which isn't him saying that he's given up. he hasn't. and he won't. but he needs. . . rest]

[ he's going to get a cramp from leaning down that low. in any case, maya catches his head with her shoulder and puts her arm around it to give him a few pats. ]

You've got time to rest.

[ before he has to make his own kill. yikes. ]

[his second murder of the Game. second murder in his existence-- both during his life, and his afterlife--]

[. . .]

[anyway he sure is going to get a cramp, but he also doesn't really want to pull away. not until he can steady out his breathing and just. . . take a moment to himself. a moment to grieve for whatever died alongside Caren]

[Maya's been the one source of constant comfort unwavering support for them-- for him-- since they started this game]

[it's not the first time he wonders what he'd do without her there to offer it]

[ she lets him have that moment of silence, patting his head gently. ]

[Mayaaaaaa]

[. . . but after the moment of silence ends, he lifts his hand and scrubs at his eyes, fingers dipping underneath his glasses. because as much as she tells him he has the right to. . . be "not okay" for a while, he also knows]

[he has to keep going. he will keep going]

I'm okay.

[for a definition of "okay."]

Sorry-- about that.

[ she gives him another pat while he's still down there! then smiles. ]

Don't apologize, dummy! I said I was going to look after you, didn't I?

[. . . softly, gratefully]

Yeah.

[and then he tries for a bit of levity]

But you're going to need a new shirt if I keep crying on yours.

[FEELS WEIRD TO CALL ATTENTION TO THAT, DOESN'T IT]

[ it's a kimono you plebe. ]

Well, it's not like I don't access to stores. Or maybe I'll just count as my own Akira perfume -- salt water.

[ don't joke this is what you get akira ]

[HE KEEPS GETTING IT WRONG]

Are you going to try bottling it and selling it as your own special line of scents?

[that's gross]

Sure, why not.

[ .... ]

Glad you're feeling better, though.

[. . .]

Maybe not "better."

[it takes more than a day to recover from something like that]

But I'll manage. Thank you.

. . . will you answer my question now?

Well, you've gotta keep coming back until you are better, than. Tenko and I will take care of everything.

[ no!! runs the fuck away. jk. ]

Youuuuuu remember how I died, right?

[don't run away again Maya!!]

. . . yeah. I remember.

[answering quietly, willing her to continue]

[ time to fucking run away again yodo ]

[ ok no. ]

... Well, it was even more complicated than what I'd told you had happened. You see, there was a man -- Diego Armando, or Godot -- when my sister was alive, they were in love. But he was poisoned by Dahlia and fell into a coma, for years --- or, well, the truth is, that he died and played the game. But, anyway, when he was awake and returned to the RG -- my sister had died, and so had Dahlia. He was consumed by his loss, and his need for vengeance. He killed his way up the ranks in the UG, hoping, if my sister came through, he could save her.

.... In the RG, he found out about the plan to kill me -- and let it play out, because he wanted to be the one to save me. To "make up" for not saving Mia. To heal his broken soul. But it didn't work. I died at the hands of the mother I hadn't seen since I was a baby. I ended up in the Game he was a part of.

[ even as she recounts the story, she isn't angry. there isn't a trace of resentment in her voice, even though maybe there should be. she just sounds sad. ]

[it took me ten seconds to realize what yodo meant sipp wtf]

[he listens to her exposition and thinks it's admirable that there isn't any resentment in her voice. if Akira were in that position. . . well, he might feel a touch of bitterness. more adults using kids like they're tools, for their own personal satisfaction]

[he frowns, brows knitted together, but continues]

What was the Game like?

[ it's funny shut up. ]

Kind of like this one, actually --- except the Composer was cruel and took it out on the Players. Unlike Anthy, they weren't interested in reviving anyone or playing fair. They got the Players to try to Erase each other, too, and held trials where it was guilty until proven innocent -- like the justice system when I was alive. They got the Reapers to tamper with the evidence. I didn't want to play along. I tried to fight back -- and break the system, and convince others to do the same. It really backfired on me. My partner turned on me -- so did some of the other Players.

[ a beat. ] Mr. Armando was there. He had the same position I do now. [ since akira had previously asked, turns out it's the same story, oops. ] He tried to convince me to play along, to stop fighting -- but I didn't want to listen. I didn't want to compromise who I was -- I didn't want to become someone I was ashamed of just to be alive again. He got frustrated and started tampering with the Game behind the scenes -- even Erasing Players himself to try to save me. At the time, I had no idea it was him, and it backfired, of course --- everyone started blaming me for the Erasures, and soon enough I was put on my own trial.

[ getting framed for murder!! ]

They were gonna execute me, no question --- and that's when he got really desperate.

[ now maya look away vacantly, taking a pause and biting her lip. her hands shake a little, so she clenches them into fists -- so tight her knuckles start to whiten. ]

[he hates this]

[it kind of reminds him of how naive and unworldly he was as a Reaper back when this Game first began. back when people told him that his Game, as kind as it was, was an anomaly in this system. he feels himself getting angry on her behalf. he feels himself admiring that she didn't want to compromise who she was just to be alive again (and mentally reminds himself that he has compromised his ideals just to survive)]

[and when she looks away, he drops one of his hands on top of her shaking ones, quietly urging her to continue. quietly offering her his support]

[ she almost jerks her hand away when he touches it, eyes snapping up to him in surprise --- but she relaxes again, leaving her hand where it is. the shaking abates. ]

So, he broke the rules. He stopped the trial to challenge me one on one --- he wanted me to Erase him so that I'd take his place, so I could live. And, he thought that --- if I Erased him, I'd get my own revenge on him, that it could make up for him letting me die.

..... But that wasn't what I wanted, you know? I never wanted revenge. I never wanted him to get Erased, or for me to get my second life by Erasing him or anyone else. So, I said no. But he didn't give me a choice. He..... put my gun to his head--- I begged him to stop, but he didn't listen.

[ he can probably guess what happened. she takes a breath. ]

.... The truth is, my position.... I never wanted it. I still don't. But I couldn't not do it --- I couldn't let myself get Erased. Not after that.

[. . . he can guess what happened, yeah. especially considering that this conversation is taking place in the wake of Caren basically doing the exact same thing to him. for different reasons, but. the effect is the same]

No.

[he understands]

It would've felt like. . . you were wasting the chance he gave you, right?

[. . .]

[even if the chance he gave her was one stuck as a Conductor for a series of Games she didn't believe in]

... Kinda, yeah.

[ she gives a wry, sad kinda smile. ] He wanted to die, too. He wanted me to be the one to Erase him -- like it'd erase the mistakes he made. But I don't believe in that. I didn't want to think like that. I wanted to live, even with the pain. ... Kinda live anyway, you know what I mean.

[ though uh there's past tense there so hm. yikes. ]

I do the best I can with what I have. But my hands are tied.

I know what you mean.

[this is all very tragic]

And I know what it's like. . . to have one's hands tied.

Maybe one day, we can break free together, Maya.

Well you're going to back to your own Game, aren't you? So you don't need to break free.

[Week 5, Monday: Maya]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject